Whichendbites

I've moved.

2007-10-25T21:22:00.000+01:00

I've moved to here.

http://whichendbites.wordpress.com/

For those who have taken the time to view please feel free to try my new place.

Hi-lighters.

2007-10-23T15:45:00.000+01:00

There appears to be a growing trend to add things to reports that are circulated.

This evil is the fashion to highlight things in the most irridescent, bright colours that can be found. Some reports are so bright you need sunglasses to read them.

We have had the hi-vis yellow tide ebbing and flowing on our streets to convince the public that we really are out there because just look, you can't miss the bright yellow jackets. Even in bright daylight, not just a health & safety thing at night.

The equally hi-vis yellow marker pens that appear to blight almost every report is surely not to convince us that there is more and more paperwork out there. I think we can work that out for ourselves.

We do not need hi-vis marker pen slashes to let us know there is too much paperwork out there. Not just the stuff that gets passed up or down the chain so everyone can see who has read what and who has marked the trendy buzz words or phrases. It even appears as grey blotches on emails and copies of messages sent by the internal mail network.

Hi-vis marker pens. They aren't big and they aren't clever.

Diversity Training.

2007-10-22T17:47:00.000+01:00

A Sergeant, an Inspector and a Superintendent recently attended a Diversity Training event at a non-police facility within their Force area. During their allocated lunch break, rather than sit amongst the other participants, they decided they would go out for a stroll to take some air and generally discuss the proceedings.

As they walked past a line of shops, the Sergeant, being very observant, spotted an old dull metal lamp in the window of a second hand shop. He went in, asked how much and ended up buying it for a fiver. The Inspector and Superintendent laughed as they thought this was stupid and irresponsible. All three returned to the facility after their stroll and whilst the Sergeant was rubbing the lamp with his sleeve to remove some of the grim that time had accumulated there was a bright flash and a cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared they saw a Genie who spoke to them.

"You are the holders of the sacred lamp of Alcobar. Each of you I will grant 1 wish"

The Sergeant was caught out in a state of shock but the Inspector was quicker on his feet and replied " I wish to go to a desert hide-away with every luxury I could imagine and stay there for a month".

There was another flash and the Inspector had vanished.

The Sergeant then said, nervously, "I wish to be taken to a tropical island paradise full of the most desireable women in the world, to be looked after for the rest of my life and suffer no ills".

There was another flash and he too, had vanished.

The Superintendent looked at the Genie and said, "I want those two back here after lunch".

Swans.

2007-10-18T11:15:00.000+01:00

The trouble with swans is that they are sedate and graceful creatures that should be restricted to waterways to do what swans do. Swans should be left alone on rivers, lakes or other bodies of water. That way they are no harm to themselves or anyone else. Anyone who has had a close encounter with a swan will know just how nasty they can be when they are pissed off. The experts will tell you that they are stressed or frightened but if you do have one of these 'meetings' then I assure you that you will be the stressed and frightened one.

So when I get a call asking for Dog support and foolishly don't ask for some background info I learn a lesson. Because I am deemed to know a little about dogs itis assumed, quite wrongly, that I am an expert on swans. I am not.

I arrive at the location but have to go on foot the last 300 yards because traffic in the City is at a standstill and I assume, again wrongly, that some heinous crime might have been committed and there is a preserved and contained scene.

The offence is obstruction of the highway, a main highway near the City centre. Amongst the stationary traffic I can see a circle of people all moving this way and that. It reminded me of a school playground fight with the circle of baying kids egging on one or other of the combatants. The baying was efforts to avoid the flapping and snapping bits of the offender.

The huge relief of the officers upon my arrival was about the same as my huge surprise and...........disappointment, shall we say.

These guys had been telling everyone that once the dog handler arrives he is the animal expert and he will sort it out. Yeah right on there then.

Then I am in the chair, that chair, all alone and the spotlight is on me and then magnus speaks.............your specialist subject is swans. Then this deranged thing goes straight for me, no warning at all, I back off initially and begin to circle to buy myself some time. I can remember on the news seeing someone holding a swan in a blanket. Thats it, I'll use a blanket. I say to the guys, 'you got a blanket in the car ?'

'No, nights used it and didn't replace it'. So much for kit checks.

Thats it, plan A is a gonner.

I've got to be 'professional' as thats what the bosses tell us. No matter how deep itis, just be professional. Its their way of telling us we can do what we want but we mustn't drop in the shite. There you are, arses covered.

Plan B hatches almost immediately.

I must be professional. I remember I have no hat on. How are people going to recognise me as a Police Officer. This is only a minor distraction from the problem I face. I quickly forget about it.

I say to them, 'You pair move around to try to get behind it and I'll catch it from the side'

I think I can use my anorak as a substitute blanket, its not as big, it might protect at least some of me. They give me that smug look as though there is an idiot in the immediate vicinity.

I remove said garment and try to make it a lot bigger then itis and approach slowly but the guys seem frozen on the spot. I say ' do something just to distract it a bit'.

They begin to shout and wave their arms and the swan goes all flappy and honky and I lunge forward covering one flapping wing with my anorak but, to my enormous relief, grab hold of the business end, the white feathery boa of a neck with the hissing, honking snapping mouthpiece on the end. I decide I am not letting go. I try to get up but have only two levers, my legs. My arms are otherwise engaged for the foreseeable future. I manage to get to my knees and the crowd are clapping and the guys tell comms that the obstruction has been removed. It has from one place but not from me. What the bloody hell are we going to do now.

The least we have to do is to get the traffic flowing again, my van is a long way away and we agree I shall get into the back of the car, their car, to consider the way forward. We get into the car, there are two heads apparently stuck to the respective side windows and we drive away.

We hear from comms, there is a guy who deals with swan rescues and rehab and such, they are going to ring him for advice. They do and we can take the swan to a place also nearby'ish for them to take custody of the offender.

We get there and the guys alight as though they are on a footchase, they do open the door for me but I am left to struggle out. The swan is greeted by the new custodian who is oblivious to everyone else around and takes the struggling beast from me and walks back into his property. He returns after a short while with all his bits intact and the swan confined in some form of carrying harness straightjacket that is designed for swans, funnily enough.

He tells us that the swan appears to be stressed and frightened and may have sustained a neck injury as it crashed to the road mistaking it for a river because it had been raining and the sun was reflecting off the wet road surface.

This man knows far too much for his own good. Itis time to go.

No one got bitten, not even a pecked ear. The swan, apparently, was none the worse for its ordeal and I found a small amount of green mess inside the sleeve of my anorak when I put it on again.

One thing, trust me on this, don't mess with swans.

PC Lee Armstrong

2007-10-17T10:38:00.000+01:00

Judge Jonathan Durham Hall, QC, you have restored a small amount of the faith I had lost that someone within the legal system has some common sense. Thank you.

New Dog

2007-10-17T09:44:00.000+01:00

A colleague from a different part of the country sent me this. I must stress that this is not part of a new efficiency drive to reduce costs. Having said that, the food bill would reduce as we could go out catching chickens. The kennel space would be far smaller and only consist of a hole under the garden shed. I am beginning to think strategic here. There could be benefits somewhere. This would be a real plus with all the extra fox activity since the ban on hunting giving a seemingly endless supply.

What would you have done.

2007-10-17T09:35:00.001+01:00

Put yourself in this position.

You are a manager who decides what resources to allocate to different 'target' needs.

You have two specific areas that you decide you need to provide support for.

The first is domestic burglaries within the metropolis.
The second is a vehicle safety related issue near a major travel related centre.

The resources you have at your disposal for these 'targets' are as below.

Dog Handlers and Traffic motorcyclists.

Now I would assign the Dog Handlers to the domestic burglary 'target' and the Traffic Motorcyclists to the vehicle safety related issue 'target'. To me this makes a lot of sense.

What would you have done ?

Religion.

2007-10-17T09:28:00.000+01:00

I'm sure you've heard people talking about religion on the news or the radio and have formed the view that anyone who even thinks anything to the detriment of a certain religion is castigated as one of the 'ists.

Well this guy has his own views, as we all do. He talks some sense with a little humour.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=418_1176494781

Harm or Hazard ?

2007-10-16T19:58:00.000+01:00

Alcohol, harm or hazard ?

That is the dilemma I have after todays news.

Alcohol excesses are spoken about in this way but what is the difference ?

Too much is harmful, I agree.

Too much is a hazard if you get pissed and wander all over the road risking injury or death. Climbing of scaffolding to retrieve balloons is a definate no no, even if dressed as Captain Marvel. This is a potential hazard but definately harmful if it all goes horribly wrong.

I can only presume that this is some neat marketing trick by the Government to justify some costly research and then use this to raise taxes to deal with the effects but really to syphon the funds to another more politically deemed worthy cause.

Let's see, increase in duty on booze or a income tax hike ?
Perhaps even both ? Either way its bound to cost.

Run wild, run free.

2007-10-16T19:40:00.000+01:00

It seems that research shows that children who are not subject to parental control, who come from troubled family relationships and other background reasons are allowed to grow up to become the thugs and anti-social hooligans of tomorrow.

Ask anyone who has Policed our society for a number of years and they too could have come up with this exact point. You don't need to be a professor or hold a degree in one of the 'ologies to be able to come to this same conclusion.

The cycle of disorderly, anti-social violent and disrespectful behaviour begins at home, is endorsed and allowed to flourish by a society that fails to challenge and stop this menace.

Parents who allow this to thrive and challenge every attempt to stop it have meant that other areas are useless in developing good behaviour. Itis claimed to be the fault of everyone apart from the parents because too many fail to see or accept the responsibility that goes with raising their children.

Sadly those who take the time, effort and responsibility seriously appear to be getting more and more of a minority.

The triangle of learning and respect begins its most important phase in the home environment, supported and developed by the schools and followed up by the Police who represent the laws of the land.

It seems on too many occasions that the Police now cater for the increasing number who fall through this net. The net is full of holes that seem to get ever bigger.

Bureaucracy ? Whats all that about then ?

2007-10-13T10:36:00.000+01:00

Thanks to a comment posted on one of my posts by Steve Roberts I have had a look at this posted on his blog Abundant Harmonies:

http://aboundsound.blogspot.com/2007/08/shaper-wrecker-team-dynamics-one-reason.html

I think he has a valid point. In fact I think he has several valid points.

Teamwork.

2007-10-11T20:00:00.000+01:00

'M' District is being hit by another spate of vehicle crime. We are able to read the daily crime intelligence and hit on the subject before the analysts recognise the trend and send the info to who ever presents it at the monthly management meeting. The groups are putting out a plain car and a couple in plain clothes out on foot in the area to see who is about and try to turn stuff up. They have the luxury of one and six on nights. As much time as I can make free I am there as well waiting for a snifter and to back up the troops. This is how we do this thing called Policing. Response who want to catch the bad guys and skippers who fully support that attitude. Everyone else there to offer the specialist skills when they are needed. Teamwork I think its called.

I hear the unit call in a person on foot and I am not far away so start to drift that way, its called self deployment and is sometimes not the tool of choice for some.

I hear the sound of an approach for a stop turn rather quickly into a footchase, I'm following the locations trying to anticipate the likely route and itis clear that local knowledge is keeping this guy ahead of his pursuers. Then nothing. They have lost him. I make for the last sighting, not calling up the pursuers incase they are lying low and I don't want to give their location away by their radios relaying my call, just in case they are that close. I get near and wait for only a few seconds, they must have heard the van and decide to call me. Dog vans are not made for silent approach.

We RV and I get the story, tried to stop a male with haversack acting suspiciously near a line of cars and he is off on his toes. Came around a corner and its as though he has been beamed up somewhere. Luckily for me they knew I was about and never started the search for themselves.

Its very windy, they can't understand why I've asked them to split up onto different corners and why I've gone to the far end of the street to begin my search. I set the boy up, give my challenge to give matey a chance to give himself up. Nothing. I send him and he is away, criss crossing the area in front of us, zig zagging across the wind, he is hunting. Not for food but for his quarry, for me, for the team.

Quickly the signs are that someone else is around, close, very close. My friend vanishes through a gap in a fence,I hear scrambling and a deep growling bark as he closes in. Matey boy is suddenly up over a high fence and off down the road, I go to where my friend is trying desperately to get over the fence but he is too close to get a good jump. I help him over, shouting at the world to keep still and my friend fixes his sights and sets off after his quarry. I get back onto the street at just the right time to see matey boy vault a fence that must have been 8 feet high and out of sight. I get there, help the dog over, even manage to get over myself and then see matey garden hopping several gardens away. This is a good game, we deicde to play as well. Not exactly hot fuzz but we follow on just the same. At the end of the line of houses there is a ditch, a wide ditch, in the distance there is a shape running, my friend clears the ditch but I do not. I wade through the half I cannot clear and I am chasing my friend chasing his quarry, across a large grassed area. The running figure disappears into the hedgeline. When I get there I hear nothing. I see nothing. It is dark and still. After all itis late. I know my friend. He uses the wind and will try there first. I feel the breeze to my right so I head right. In the distance I hear my friend, the sound of his frustration carries a long way. We are at a high metal gate and fencing. We get over, I harness him up and begin to track. I follow him following his quarry. We go on for what seems like ages but in reality is a matter of minutes.

I know as we approach the brambles that we have been successful. My friend knows he has been successful. He begins to growl and then bark as we approach. We stop just short and I shout for our quarry to come out and lie on the floor. I tell him who I am. If he does exactly what I say he will be fine. If he runs again I will send the dog after him. This time everything is in my favour. I tell him this. His eyes tell me exactly what he is going to do. I tell him not to even think about it. The dog wants to bite him if he gives the chance. He's off again, he is quick but not quick enough. I hear the thump as he crashes to the ground, followed by the yell as he realises that he is not going to get away this time.

A couple of response are well chuffed. This was a great stop for them and they are pleased with my support. I search the route we have gone and recover a haversack, torch, tools for the trade and several car radios. Luckily all they want from me is a statement and a copy of my book.

I will sleep well in the morning.

ACPO concerns.

2007-10-10T23:01:00.000+01:00

It appears that heads have been above the parapet concerning a variety of statistics that can be wrongly interpretted and Forces unfairly criticised.

If I believe the reports, Chief Constables have raised objections over rules that seem to pander to ethnic minority groups.

Home Office figures allegedly show show that officers spend more than a third of their day attending meetings, preparing evidence of dealing with bureaucracy.

The framework for producing these 'vital' statistics is a comlplex one, somewhat bureaucratic (no surprise there then) costly to Forces to administer and can be misinterpreted.

Police minister Tony McNulty admits that curbing Police Bureaucracy remains a work in progress.

Ken Jones, the ACPO president has many concerns at these published figures but also believes that centrally compiled statistics returns cannot hope to fully reflect concerns that communities may have or the wider complex threats to society. Fair play to you Ken for raising this important issue.

I know this much.

With Government Ministers and some Chief Constables continually claiming to want to reduce bureaucracy, there is no actual reduction in the amount of centrally complied statistics that are submitted by individual officers. The tide of bureaucracy flows ever one increasing way and over the head of individual officers. This is something that we are told to do and is expected from us. Regardless of an individual officer's views, this is what the management want and there is hell to play if forms are not submitted when required, either daily or monthly as the case may be.

The danger is that Chief Constables will see what areas are in the spotlight for hitting the right performance scoring areas in the next tactical or relevant period and deal with these issues to try to avoid being penalised as a result of missing the perceived hot issues. This sounds like political direction as opposed to reacting to needs of society and the community as a whole.

Stop & Search

2007-10-10T22:46:00.000+01:00

It seems that there might some new stop & search going on soon.

What heinous crime are we looking towards ?

Those criminals who dump their weekly rubbish unlawfully ?
Those who put out more than someone thinks they should ?

Will it fall into the 'detectable' category ?

I suppose somewhere down the line there is some financial saving to be had by reducing the amount that households will be allowed to put out for collection.

Less to collect, less to dispose of, less staff, less vehicles, less
maintenance etc etc etc.

The obvious thing seems to be that this will only encourage some in society to dump it anywhere they can.

Any savings will then be taken up by extra work for some to dispose of this dumped garbage. There will be the council wardens whose responsibility it will be to exercise these stop & search powers for vehicles used by suspected dumpers. How are they going to stop vehicles for searching, seize and impound such suspected vehicles ? Where are they going to store the vehicles when they are impounded ?

I wonder what sort of form they will have to fill in for statistical or other reasons.

I also wonder what self classification rubbish dumpers will opt for. Where will the forms be stored ?

I also wonder who will come along and sort out all the crap when it all goes pear shaped.

Why not just retain the weekly collections and avoid all the trouble, extra inconvenience, crap dumped all over the place and the extra expenses that will be incurred.

Give that man a prize.

2007-10-10T18:06:00.000+01:00

The correct answer was............................

Stan still, you are correct.
Go out and buy yourself a nice cake.

The first was a dog and the second was a human.

Stan........nice to see you are still in circulation.

Two patients.

2007-10-08T23:36:00.000+01:00

Two patients limp into two different medical surgeries with the similar complaints.

Both have a great deal of trouble walking, both are in considerable pain and appear to need a hip replacement. This is later confirmed following all of the relevant examination processes.

Patient 'A' is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the very next week.

Patient 'B' sees his family doctor after waiting over a week for an appointment after a telephone consultation. Then waits four months to see a specialist, then after another 3 months gets x-rays completed. These aren't reviewed for another 6 weeks and finally surgery is scheduled for 9 months from that time.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

Economy.

2007-10-06T22:31:00.000+01:00

I have recently visited a large organisation and sat a while in the plush surroundings awaiting the arrival of one of the directors for a bit of a chat.

We talked at length about the macro economy, micro economy and the social economy.
This guy had a degree in economics or someting technically superior to my grasp of reality. I found out that almost all of the consideration for most decisions was given to the first two and the social effects of many of these policies did not warrant full consideration.

The savings gained by employing less well trained staff turned into a financial loss which more than doubled that saved in the initial one off saving. This was by the increased training needed, new corporate uniforms, their inability to deal with a lot of the work they should really be able to do and as a result an increasing workload was placed on the shoulders of other employees, sometimes other departments, they even got new vehicles for christ's sake.

I found out that the Chairperson has become concerned about the job of her ordinary employees becoming submerged under a heavy bureaucratic burden.

She ( a she for the plot) has made several publicised statements explaining her desire to remove these unnecessary burdens in the hope of making things more efficient by removing this problem. She does not appear to have made this clear to her Directors and regional managers.

The Directors and regional managers still seem more concerned with statistics and targets as well as the heavy bureaucratic burden of multi-duplicated adminstration
that goes with such an important process. They regularly inform their staff of the importance of such targets and the deadlines for submission so that they can discuss these at their meetings.

I learnt that in the despatch department they were failing to meet their performance targets. They were all roundly flogged and a new and dynamic method was put in place to help their strategic strategy. They decided to increase the number of deliveries for the delivery department so they could be seen to be up to the mark and hitting their targets. The Director of the depatch department would get the credit for this dramatic increase in performance and service delivery.

At the next monthly meeting of the Directors, the Director in charge of delivery was roundly chastised because his (a he just for the plot) department had failed to meet their target and deliveries were delayed and some long overdue. He raised the issue of an increased delivery workload with no additional staff or vehicles. He had new adminstration systems put in place that he had not yet trained his department in. He agreed to see what could be done to increase his departments performance before the next meeting to ensure he was seen to be promoting the brand and the strategic corporate goals.

At the next meeting he announced that he had improved his performance target figures everyone seemed happy. He had done this by restricting his delivery staff to their old style of service delivery, in so much as their did one job at a time, did it well and with great care for their customers. His satisfaction figures were also back to their former levels. Even though the director had to take staff away from their prime functions to gather this statistical information, analyse it and forward it to other departments he was still able to improve his department's performance because his staff were dedicated, loyal and hard working. They covered for the loss of staff and made his department a success. The director got great praise from the Chairperson and a financial bonus as well. Well done.

Sadly, the despatch department incurred the wrath of the Chairperson as they had, again, fallen behind against their performance targets. I understand that they are thinking about reorganisation with their department as this is another new and radical way to sort out their problems. I believe that they may even consider a merger to help cut costs and make a considerable efficiency saving.

Does this sound at all familiar ?

As Einstein said, "Not everything that can be counted counts. And not everything that counts can be counted."

On my way out I saw that this company were recruiting, I also saw several vacancies advertised in the local press. I though about a bit of a career change but as I looked I saw that none of the posts were for the jobs I had expected from such a large organisation. They offered wonderful conditions but the prospect did not really appeal to me. I could facilitate, administrate, monitor a whole range of things, advise, ensure compliance of a whole range of other things, support and assist in other areas, work with multi-agencies, record things and work in a dedicated team managed by a team leader. Sadly none of this was what I really wanted to do.

Suddenly my interest faded and I tried to find my car in the vastness of car park central. Some jobsworth had put a ticket on my screen because I had allegedly parked in the wrong place even though I was at the car park extremities and there were actually some spare places, even on a Wednesday. CCTV would be examined and I would be informed of the consequences.

A SENIOR MOMENT

2007-10-05T17:48:00.000+01:00

A group of young students were on a bus discussing the burden placed on society by the older generation of pensioners. One of the pensioners took great exeption to some of the comments and stated that he thought it was impossible for some of the older generation to understand todays younger generation and vice-versa. Things had changed so much during the years between their ages. As he was explaining the student interrupted him.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for all his friends and most of the other passengers to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with colour high definition digital television, high quality music on CD's and MP3 players, jet travel, space travel, trains that have never travelled faster, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and ..."

The pensioner interrupted him and said "You're right, son. We didn't have those things to enjoy and marvel at when we were young.......so we invented them. What are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding...

A,B,C, its as easy as 1,2,3.

2007-10-03T15:57:00.000+01:00

Well its interesting when you speak to colleagues from other areas or Forces and see that itis not only you that has a rather large volume of paperwork that you feel is irrelevant, unnecessary and adds to the burden of paperwork you already have to do as part of your effort to justify yourself. The management line appears to be that this is highly relevant to do and is essential. Essential for who ? Essential to what goal ? Certainly not to anyone who has to complete them, apparently.

I now understand what the unwelcome envelope that arrives for some contains, when they dare open it, not an invitation to a late night candlelight supper or free cinema tickets but something else, a little more daunting and unwelcome. The additional level of time taken to complete said forms always seems to go down very well with the protagonists. Unlike the 5 minutes a day itis alleged they will take.

Its as easy as 1,2,3. Do you believe that ?

INTERESTING STUFF ?

2007-10-02T16:51:00.000+01:00

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers in English, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Thanks

2007-10-01T22:22:00.000+01:00

I have been deeply touched by the numbers of responses to my 90 minutes post. This post was real and was spawned by the demise of my ex-partner who enjoyed a short retirement of only a couple of years with me before illness dictated the unfortunate course of events. Now over 60 comments is a record, for me anyway, this far exceeds anything else I have received.

I would like to thank all those who took the time and effort to visit, especially those from the Gadget pages following the post there.

Anyone who has forged a close relationship with one of our canine friends will understand the deep feelings towards an animal that asks nothing but gives everything
for seemingly little or no reward.

Anyone who has had the good fortune to work closely with such an animal and spend more time with it than you spend with your family will understand my sentiment.

Anyone who has had the even better fortune to work with a colleague who will follow blindly and is willing to protect you without question will understand the trust and depth of working relationship we have with our dogs.

We are lucky, lucky people. I have been very fortunate indeed to have been in such a position. I have parted company with other dogs, but not in the same emotional way.
Some dogs are special. This one was definately was.

I have been, shall we say, out of circulation and it was the Gadget post on the enormous and willing support we get from our 'non-police' support/admin colleagues that has drawn me back to the keyboard.

90 Minutes

2007-09-04T16:47:00.000+01:00

I hear the phone ringing, I wait for an answer. My mouth is dry and I don't want to speak. I can't remember dialling the number. Eventually it is answered just as I am about to hang up and delay the inevitable. My misplaced human sentiment rises to the surface again. I try to talk and explain who I am, what the problem is. The voice on the other end is calm, politely reassuring and knows how I feel. They have seen and heard this a hundred times. I get my time and the count down begins.

90 minutes is an awful long time.

The journey is only a fraction of that. 90 minutes is about as long as a football match. No time at all if your side is 3-0 up but an eternity of torment if your side is 3-0 down.

My 90 minutes of torment has begun.
Every second seems like a minute, seems like an hour, a day, a week.

My friend is not well. He is very not well.

We have seen lots of things together.
We have done lots of things together.
He has saved me from many things and ensured I
returned home. I owe him a lot.

Now I must take him for his last journey.

I cannot explain how such relatively short and slow journey turns out to be such a blur.

I enter the place that has made my friend better on several occasions but that will now stop his suffering because they cannot make him better any more.

They know. They take me to a small room when I walk in and close the door.
They are sympathetic. They care about what they do.

It doesn't take long but it seems to take forever.
My friend is gone. I'm going to miss him, a lot.

90 minutes was an awfully long time.

Obligations, part 2.

2007-08-31T23:11:00.000+01:00

I am here today to pay tribute to you, to the forces you lead, to the local police authorities you work with, and above all, the 140,000 police officers and police staff who each day take responsibility for the protection of all our citizens.

Over the last year I have seen close at hand, in all areas of the country and in the last few days meeting police in Liverpool, in Birmingham, and the Met in London - your great achievements.

Your day-to-day work combating crime and ensuring safe communities.

Your one-to-one work with young people at risk of wasting their lives in crime, and
your achievements from the local to the global, uncovering and thwarting terrorist conspiracies, bringing major national and international crimes to justice.

We place in your hands our homes and our safety and security. We expect you to risk danger and sometimes your lives on our behalf - with the recent tragic deaths of PC Ricky Gray and PC Jon Henry reminding us again of the bravery and the sacrifice that is required in the line of duty.

There is no more fundamental right than the right of a citizen to be safe and secure.

So there is no greater responsibility than that which you as police officers accept.

And there is no greater obligation for us in Government than to support you in discharging that duty.

Who said this ? Gordon Brown. There is also that word again. Obligation.

He said more.
http://www.hm-treasury.gov.uk/newsroom_and_speeches/press/2007/press_66_07.cfm

Tough on crime.

2007-08-31T19:55:00.000+01:00

Between 1986 and 2000 Michael Porter admitted gross indecency and indecent assault offences against young boys as young as 18 months. He was recently convicted and sentenced to a three year rehabilitation order. He escaped a custodial sentence.

He has had mitigation for his circumstances by the fact that he came forward and admitted his involvement. The judge belived it to be an exeptional case because Porter had already received therapy.

He is banned from being alone with anyone under 18 years of age and has been put onto the sex offenders register.

He is a paedophile. He abused the trust of friends and work colleagues.

Apparently he left the court hand in hand with his wife.

The founder of the Victim of Crime Trust believes that this sentence absolutely beggars belief.

This was not a minor theft or damage. This was a series of serious sexual offences against innocents who could neither protect themselves or prevent these terrible things taking place.

I have no idea of how the families of the victims feel about the severity of the sentencing. I can guess. Itis my guess that they are not impressed.

The morale of the story ?

2007-08-31T01:10:00.000+01:00

The Ant and The Grasshopper

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool. He laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

BBC, ITV, SKY news, Channel 4 & even CNN, show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The British public are stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, so civilized and prosperous this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

The grasshopper is immediately accorded victim status.

The telly tubbies appears on children's TV with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." along with other anti-ant songs.

Representatives and supporters from the various minority Political institutions stage a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." The Archbishop of Canterbury leads the group to kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Tony Blair exclaims in an interview with Jeremy Paxman that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both agree that an immediate stealth tax should be levied on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the European Commission, pushed by the UK MEP's drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The grasshopper seeks and is awarded legal aid to take his case to the European Court of Human rights.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The Ant is left branded a grasshopperist and as a result of so much negative press is unable to begin to work to rebuild his life.

Cherie Blair gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of High Court judges that Tony Blair appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case. The grasshopper is awarded costs and a sizeable compensation package that leaves the ant financially crippled. The grasshopper employs an agent and is able to secure book & film rights and several lucrative sponsorship deals.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the local authority low cost housing property he has been given, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is later found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: You can decide this one.

Of course this is all totally untrue and non-factual. A complete work of fiction.
How could it be anything else ?

Obligations

2007-08-29T23:19:00.000+01:00

Isn't it nice to hear government mouthpieces making reassuring statement about their obligations.

Trouble is, these seem to be towards the Iraq & Afghanistan population and not to things on the domestic front.

Oh yes. The prison officers have gone out on strike after being ignored for too long
and not being taken seriously by, the government, funnily enough.

What was that about obligations ?

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES

2007-08-28T14:09:00.000+01:00

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Vegas but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly some worshippers at Sunday services give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed around.

Since they get chips from many different casinos the churches have devised a method to collect the offering.

The churches send all their collected chips to the nearby franciscan monastery for sorting & then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin & cashed in.
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This is done by the Chip Monks!!!!

You didn't even see it coming did you?

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction

2007-08-26T17:13:00.001+01:00

The seemingly unstoppable tide of youth crime has taken another turn with the sad and unfortunate death of an innocent 11 year old in Liverpool.

Because the victim was so young the slide into a so called new abyss of bad behaviour has been identified and hit mega headline news. This is becoming a now constant stream of bad news on an almost daily basis and definately sad reading or listening.

The renewed call for yet more police officers on the beat is answered by the statements that police numbers have increased year on year under whatever government is in power.

All this seems to forget that following a report by the audit commision some years ago police officers on the street were not deemed an effective use of such a resource, presumably because they performed a service in such a way so as not to have anything to measure. Funny that, as we provide exactly that, a service. To compare and judge along the lines of business is stupid and irrelevant and is only done to follow a trend in trying to appear more efficient and productive. We don't sell stuff, although we probably will soon, we give a service. It seems that the community either tolerate us because they have to or hate us because we are the only thing between civil obedience and anarchy of a lawless society that they want. Funny how some of them still complain when stuff happens to them.

Take away service to the community and replace with all sorts of targets to copy industry standards at the same time as saving as much money as you can. Add to this the ball park figures that the mouth-pieces state that this or that government has spent (in real terms, I nearly forgot that bit) and you reach the position where ever increasing numbers of officers have been taken away from walking their beats and reallocated to other trendy targets by a hoard of teams, squads and other groups.

The normal everyday response goes on relentlessly.

The normal everyday association with a regular officer in an area is almost lost.
A sudden return to this would still miss out on several years of local knowledge that the current organisation of resources has lost in all but small pockets. Very few officers spend all or most of their career on the same beat or area. The close relationship with the community is lost.

All this is because of saving money and an ideology of someone with a business brain and little or no regards for the style and quality of policing that was in place at one stage. This was deemed to be old fashioned and outdated. In my view just excuses for saving money and changing what service was provided for something more manageable, more statistically accountable and less of a service than it used to be.

Modernisation, better use of equipment and resources, able to better react to our changing society etc etc etc.

Society has changed, there is no doubt. More cars, more availability of cars, more people who have no social conscience, more people who care nothing about anyone but themselves and more people who condone and support lawless and antisocial behaviour.
Less and less people who stand up or challenge the unacceptible.

Yet the one consistent thing is that itis always somehow someone elses fault. Mostly, it seems, the police but if not then always someone elses fault.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. With action comes responsibility.

Breach that responsibility and nothing will happen to you, again and again and again.

This is the message we seem to be giving as a society.

I guarantee that the bad and disturbing news will continue because within the trends of generational growth the standards always get worse. The boundaries always get pushed lower and lower. What shocks gets ever worse. The ones who suffer most are the victims, the real victims, not those who claim or are given a variety of victim status but at the same time shelve all personal responsibility for their actions.
Again the actions of the minority have such a profound and negative effect on the lives of the majority.

I listened to a liverpool MP talking on the radio and what he said made a lot of sense. Even then the reported disagreed just for the sake of taking an opposite view.
There is a breakdown in families that is some part responsible for our declining standards of behaviour, along with the violence and filth and mindless trash that is available to watch by way of TV or computer games. Of course there will be 'no real & conclusive evidence' to support this but then again there never will be.

We've got too much opposition in this country and something needs to change.

But, then again, we got everyone's human rights to consider and people in jobs to justify their existance. Perhaps lets just stick to targets, everyone is happier about that.

motorway madness

2007-08-25T13:35:00.000+01:00

For the last several weeks I have been hearing on the radio at work, on a daily basis, about yet another RTC, formerly RTA that has occurred on the motorways or major roads, sometimes even both, of the road networks that run through my area.

The mayhem, inconvenience and untold delays these events cause to other road users are one symptom of events that occur that involve serious injury or all too often fatalities. Whilst suffering the inconvenience of delays itis all too easy to forget the feelings of those who have suffered loss & injury. We refer to this nowadays as life threatening or life changing as opposed to major, serious of very serious likely to be fatal.

This occurs every year during the main holiday season, regularly and without fail on an annual basis.

Two things strike me, also on a regular basis.

I am amazed at how some of our community are so heartless and selfish to the plight of others. Some treat death and serious injury as no more than a whim. I doesn't affect them so they don't give a toss. I am amazed at the total lack of consideration that others of our community show on the roads, often bordering total contempt.

I am also amazed at the levels of blatantly poor or dangerous driving, some of which is behind a lot of these accidents-collisions that disrupt what should be a time of people enjoying holidays.

Combine the two things and there is a recipe for disaster.

People who normally only drive short distances and the general intolerance and lack of consideration for others and you have our roads network in the summer. They get mixed in with the normal everyday people who drive as part of their living and seem to swell the road burden to an amazing level.

Police wrongly get the blame for much of this mayhem caused by road closures, diversions or blockages.

These are no longer scenes of traffic accidents-collisions. They are scenes of crimes and needed to be treated with such importance. We get one chance to get the scene examination done properly. Its no good when and if things go to court 10, 12 or 18 months later saying that this or that wasn't done at the time. We owe it to those injured or killed and their families to do the job properly. It will continue to piss off most of the poor sods caught up in untold delays and those jams that don't seem to move for hours. I know because I've been there as well.

Until the menace of impatience, intolerance and lack of consideration are removed this cycle of mayhem will continue.

Police dogs muzzled

2007-08-25T13:33:00.000+01:00

No problems with this poll.

Clearly in favour of keeping our dogs free of muzzles and therefore not restricting their effectiveness. 91% of the votes say so.

Thanks again to those who voted.

Bank Holiday Weekend

2007-08-21T23:35:00.000+01:00

Its the bank holiday weekend approaching. There will be football at the weekend, the last of the, laughingly called, summer holiday weekends that will collectively produce some of the greatest demand on the response resources available.

Rest assured that this perceived extra demand will have been carefully planned for with numbers down to minimum levels to deal with the extra workload.

A weekend when many of our 'partnership' partners will be unavailable yet the world as we know it has not taken a few days off.

I trust that the intoxicated and drunken behaviour of the generally stupidly inebriated will defy the odds and be so good that we will all rejoice in the bank holiday festivities and have an equally great time.

My best and safest wishes to you all.

Chimps without hoods.

2007-08-20T09:41:00.000+01:00

I watched an interesting documentary the other day about chimpazees and drew some amazingly close comparisons with some of the modern, misunderstood youth of todays society.

They live in family groups, the chimps that is, some of them quite large. They have a strict heirarchy and appropriate acceptible behaviour levels. Any deviation from this is enforced rigorously and is quite brutal if needed to make the correct point and quell the insurrection. Itis over when itis over and normality returns to the fold. It appears that this is how they sort out the pecking order to sustain a successful group. The adolescents practice this behaviour amongst themselves as a preparation for the big wide world when they are mature enough to see and fit into the bigger picture.

The adolescent chimps appear to prefer to hang around in gangs, terrorising the small, weak or aged when the opportunities allow and appear to get great fun out it. The pester the bloody hell out of them (we call it bullying) and generally make their lives a misery. Getting their kicks I presume. They are unable to settle for any long period of time and appear to get, what I would called bored, for want of a better word. Then they are off looking for their kicks to amuse and stimulate themselves.

The ones they don't mess with are the higher ranking males or females, because that means serious trouble. A bit like being grounded but with longer, sharper teeth. When these more dominant or mature chimps get really pissed off they are not slow in showing their annoyance and put the rowdy adolescents firmly in their place. A bit like the Police and SAS all wrapped into one but without the long drawn out legal proceedures. Needless to say, the adolescents know exactly who not to piss off. There is also no appeals process. The status quo is restored for a while before they start to gang up on the weak, young and old again. The really troublesome adolescents can be driven out of the group if they are a pain and lose the benefit of numbers for companionship, food and protection.

So maybe this disruptive, disrespectful and annoying behaviour of the hooded hordes is an ancient genetic trend or perhaps some of them are closer to chimpazees than we think. And where are the adults (higher ranking males & females) to sort out the troublesome adolescents ?

I think this would called vigiliantyism or something with our misguided human slant on things. I've called Bronson but he states he is too old to deal with this matter effectively.

One thing is for sure, our intelligence has allowed us the luxury of using most of our time to find ways to amuse or entertain our selves. The need for all our resources to be used just to survive, to find shelter,food and defend ourselves is now not the case. The days when everybody worked from a young age, because they simply had to, is well passed us because we are now civilized and educated, some may say anyway. Are we better off for all this advancment ?

We are more aware of what is happenning all over the world but often don't know what is going on in the next street, we can buy all sorts of convenience junk because the ads say we are better off for it. At the same time we lose the life skills we have needed in the past. Another thing society has lost is the burden of resposibility for our actions because we are deemed unable to decide. Everything is denied and everything has to go to court, be it civil or criminal.

Something must change but I suspect it won't, although we will be tolod it has.

Captain David Hicks

2007-08-16T11:17:00.000+01:00

I have been inspired by one thing I read that really, I mean really impressed me. It has reaffirmed my view that inspirational leadership does exist, somewhere, out there.

Sadly it was not in the Police Force but in the military.

Captain David Hicks was supposed to be evacuated to safety for treatment for shrapnel wounds sustained during action and refused, preferring to stay and fight with his men. He showed the highest standards of leadership and earned genuine respect from those in his command. Sadly his wounds were so severe to be fatal.

He had also written a tribute to one of his men killed the previous day.

I wonder who will write his ?

I don't even know him but have enormous respect already.

Acceptible behaviour ?

2007-08-16T10:46:00.000+01:00

I've made the mistake of buying a paper for the last few days and what sad reading it makes. Along with the recent news that seems to be almost all bad there is a trend in reporting of lawless youth who seem intent on confirming the impression that threats and intimidation by groups of dilinquent youth are making the lives of ordinary people a misery.

Enren Anil was killed after challenging two people for throwing something in his car.

If anyone is ever convicted of this crime they will say they didn't intend to kill him and shelve any responsibility for their actions.

Garry Newlove was punched & kicked to death after confronted a group of youths outside of his home.

I could go on.

Serious violent crime has soared in many places and the change in licencing laws as well the easy availability of alcohol has contributed towards this. Also the ever increasing number of our young people involved in alcohol related events are making lives a misery for ever more of the law abiding people who feel threatened, intimidated and angry about the effects of anti-social behaviour.

Sceptics may say there is no research that supports this but I say just get out onto the housing estates, both old and new, to see exactly what is going on and you will be able to open your eyes and see the reality of what is happenning. Anyone working as a response resource will also say different.

The intent is to look good, behave in such a way to enhance your status and get some and respect and copy the sulking bad attitudes and lack of respect for most of society that acceptible within your own peer group to the detriment of others.

Thankfully not all of todays young people are like this.

Like every group a increasing number get the decent ones a bad name.

I have been observing a large group and what I've seen has been harmless fun that irritates the curtain twitchers who complain needlessly.

I have also seen unacceptible behaviour by another group that has justified numerous calls and required a suitable response.

There is a balance and the most important thing in this balance is personal responsibility. Sadly an ever growing number take action without the responsibility for those actions.

Disorderly people do not want to see consequences of their actions.

Too many parents do not see or refuse to see any responsibility on their part for the actions of their children.

It is left to someone else to take responsibility and when this is done, in too many cases, people complain about over reaction or heavy handedness.

Perhaps those that complain, because the Police are doing the job of parents, nannys and just about everyone else who fails to do so, might have some positive words of encouragement for the families and friends of everyone who has been killed, injured, threatened or had property damaged by mindless selfish idiots who are often drunk and accept no responsibility for their actions.

Poll Result - What do you want from your dog handler

2007-08-15T00:47:00.000+01:00

The results from my poll about dog handlers gave all the choices from those who voted within two of the four options.

31% of the votes were for a Police officer first with dog support secondary.

68% of the votes were for a dedicated specialist support resource.

Supporting their own departmental targets and not at all, returning to District got no votes.

That tells me that a good majority want us dog handlers out there as dedicated specialist support resource.

Thanks to all who took the time to vote.

I've been tagged

2007-08-14T12:19:00.001+01:00

It appears that I've been tagged by Twining.

What that means exactly I don't fully understand but, it seems to surround what I would do if I was in the glorious position of being commissioner for a day.

I've thought about this and itis clear that within this fantasy nothing much would be permanent because it would all change back.

However............

If I could things I would like to instill some role reversal policies.

I would like all officers to perform a variety of different roles to gain experience and awareness of different areas.

We have moved on from what I consider true selection for a post because of fairness at work, equal opps and either cowardly selection procedures that are more concerned with reducing complaints which are largely caused by mis-information or simply bad losers. As a result we face people who are in a role they are not suited for or have little or no ability to do. It appears that quite often the best person for the role is overlooked.

Everyone will know of someone who is suited for a particular role but for a variety of reasons they fail a paper sift, their written evidence covering something is not as good as another's or they do not interview very well means they are overlooked. Someone who can submit high marking written evidence and perform well in an interview
will get the nod over someone with more ability to perform the role.

Now back to role reversal, I would like everyone to work in comms to see what there are up against. They have targets and staffing issues.

I would like officers of Insp & above to work as response unit for a month to see just what happens with workload and balancing all the things that get decreed from on high.

I would like those that moan about the management teams to perform that role to see how they cope with the different demands.

Then and only then will we get back to what we used to do well. That is putting people in jobs they enjoy and do well. Round pegs in round holes. We might also allow for the roles to get back to specialising in what they do instead of widening the demands and expectations within the role.

This is just a dream, I know. We are burdened down with all sorts of other crap that give this idea absolutely no chance to get off the ground. We are never going to lose the influeence of the host of policies to ensure we are seen to be playing fair, the equal opps, the positive discrimination, the statments from ACPO that appear to endorse selection procedure importance but are given lip service when selections are made.

I can still dream, I might still get that lottery win.

Sorry, I am dreaming again.

PCSO's

2007-08-14T12:09:00.000+01:00

Sixteen year old PCSO's now there is a real move forward.

What will happen when the abuse starts. The first time someone tells them to F-off will they tell their mum ?

At a time when resources are stretched and these overstretched frontline resources are picking up holes left by the increased PCSO 'support' then how & where are the extra officers going to fill in the spaces of the stuff that can't be dealt with ?

You really couldn't make it up. But then again, you don't have to, its real.

Nothing to do with targets I presume.

A different perspective.

2007-08-12T21:36:00.000+01:00

There I was, curled up sound asleep on one of the beds, dreaming of chasing that magical mouse and just about to pounce after stalking it into a suitable convenient corner, when I was suddenly and violently interrupted by the demented rantings of a madman. My defence impulses kicked in straight away, luckily for me I can tell you, as a cushion came spiralling my way at break neck speed. This was a particularly nasty cushion with pointed stitched and piped corners and possessed a rather nasty zip fastening. I saw this, luckily, as it hurtled towards me. In an instant my special pussy service (SPS)survival training came into play and with lightening reactions I leapt from the said bed, twisted in the air on the way back to terra-firma to see my assailant with a follow up cushion held aloft by arm already in the cocked position. As I landed on all fours I had to employ evasion and avoidance techniques of the highest calibre. You would have been so proud of me. My first thought was name, rank, serial. I had no intention of divulging important information. I quickly glanced around and I spotted a likely escape. I dived for cover under the bed, right to the back where the shoe tray is, slipped quietly in amongst the shoes and out of sight. Time now to get my bearings and work on an escape plan now that I was still alive. I had no time to fathom out why this sudden and unprovoked attack had come to pass. After all I had not invaded anywhere recently. And then it came to me...............

The crazy one, the one with the dog (bloody nasty thing) must have found my little present. Just then I was aware of the mattress safety zone being lifted up. I had to think and act quickly. My position within the shoe box would become visible to the enemy and my exact location would be know. I would be in serious risk. Then I saw my chance. I crawled out of the shoe box and out from under the bed, through the door and I was out, across the landing and down the terraced hillside to the low valley. I made a quick search for an exit to that secret land they call 'outside' but found that all likely routes were barred. This was a suprise as usually the madman with the dog (horrid thing) is normally only too happy for me to experience this wonderful place, as he so kindly puts it. I had to think quickly again as I could hear the thumping from up the mountain and hear his war cries. I was in immediate danger so I decided to seek further cover and continue to formulate my evasion plan. All possible borders were either closed to me or presented more risk than it was worth. I could brush myself against his legs and give my bestest miouw but I detected sufficient hostility to dismiss this stupid and foolhardy idea almost as soon as it came to mind. I was now beginning to feel a little tired. I had been awake, on a knife edge, for almost a minute. Surey now was time for just a little nap. But no, I had to be brave and continue with my escape plan. Not even time for a quick wash.

Behind the settee was my choice. Almost certainly this would not be his first choice to look. As I slipped between the back of the settee and the wall I felt the squeeze as my sides were compressed by a considerable force. No, he hadn't got me but I may have put on a few pounds recently. Perhaps thats why he calls me lardy ? Well who knows ? Everyone knows that Lord Herby is my true title. I have a shiny collar to prove it as well. One has ones standards you know.

I was very surprised to see that he came straight for the settee. This guy is a lot smarter than he looks. He continued to rant and rave and another beige cushion with the piping an those nasty sharp zips, came crashing down between the gap, my gap, towards me. I was able to turn over and head back seeking some protection of attack from above and headed towards the coffee table. The sod clearly anticipated this as another cushion hit the floor only inches in front of me. I quickly turned again and headed back around the settee (the rather tastful black leather and leatherette corner suite) made a bolt for the door that had been left insecure and down the valley bordered by sheer cliffs to one side and the terraced hillside on the other. Once throught the valley I was into the feeding area, my instinct told me to go left as the dog lies to the right. This would have a stupid and foolhardy decision. Although the food lies in that direction but, in light of the current circumstances I decided to let this opportunity pass. So left it was, I leapt up onto one of the low terraces under the wide plateau. This has provided safety before and affords an excellent covert surveillance point with exit routes to north south east and west. I have heard this referred to as table plateau and I know that the humans sit around on the low terraces grunting and consuming their nourishments.

Despite the pounding in my chest it was then I heard it, the click of the guardian stone at the head of the valley. I heard no magic key sound as you need to gain access from the place known as outside. But the click to suggest that the madman had inadvertantly removed the guardian stone. But why ? Could he have been stupid enough to give me a potential escape route? Did he think I had got to the outside when he knew damn well I never had my own magic key to the guardian stone. I decided to lay low and consider the possibilities. I fully realised at this point that he could only have recently discovered my present and had discovered it neatly in a line on the bedroom carpet. I thought the rather moist dribbly bit at the end particularly tastful. I thought for a while that he must have got out of bed on the wrong side, as you humans do on occasions. But after careful consideration I dismissed this as it was clear that if he had got out on the wrong side he would have catshite between his claws. Clearly he had been able to avoid this as there was no evidence of any debris between his claws. I', sure I would have seen this. My respect for him grew immensly. He was a worthy and conniving adversary. I began to feel tired again. Now 2 minutes at least had elapsed and I hadn't had so much as a small kippette. If I can't manage at least 40 snoozes I simply don't have the energy for my proper sleep. And anyway, if he had not got out of his bed on the wrong side, why was he is such a bad mood ?

As I thought about my predicament (big word for a feline) from the safety of the low terrace, I heard the tell tale creak of the terraced hillside being ascended. I have learned this sound and know it well. It has been the trigger for food on many occasions accompanied by a series of feeble mewings and leg brushing. God you humans are so gullible. I thought about the evidence. The madman is climbing the terraced hillside. The guardian stone has been removed from the end of the valley. How could he have been so bloody stupid. I saw my chance and quickly bolted from under the low terrace, kept my claws in so as not to alert the madman of my presence and moved swiftly but silently to the end of the valley. The creaks of the terraced hillside remain reassuringly distant so I seized my chance and headed for freedom and safety through the valley towards the now opened guardian stone and into the perilous outside world. I began to gloat at how I had once again overcome the madman when suddenly I realised, to my horror, that I had greatly and rather foolishly underestimated him. A quick glance told me that he was indeed on the terraced hillside but not climbing, just walking on the spot, on the 5th or 6th terrace up and had been able to reload with further cushions. How could I have been so damn smug and shallow. Too late, the first fizzed through the air and landed only millimetres from my right shoulder, I began to weave and dodge in true and trusted SPS evasion patterns but to no avail. The second incoming took me across the back and a third took me across the shoulders as I got to the gap left where the guardian stone had been moved. I realised that the madman was a worthy adversary and one who demanded the utmost respect. He had fooled me into accepting an escape and it was I who was the stupid one (only on this occasion I must emphasis.) I had fallen for his plan and sufferred the consequences. The humiliation will be unbearable.

Imagine how I feel, outwitted by a mere human and a madman at that, even without the help of his dog. I could have dealt with this but not just the madman.

The mate of the madman, the one who likes to look at shiny things, a bit like me really, the one who normally feeds me and seldom shows me the place known as 'outside' was even exhibiting strange emotions towards me. She also was aware of my present and did not appear too grateful or considerate. She came along with some holy water to bless the sacred mark and wore some form of latex regalia. Must have been some powerful stuff in there as she repeated the sacred psalm of rawlf and bwarf during the blessing ceremony. She does concede that every rooms a bedroom but fails to understand that every room is also a toilet. Why they think I should belittle my self and sell my own soul to use a litter tray is beyond me. A litter tray I ask myself ????? Some of use still have our dignity you know. Would you have a crap in a litter tray ???? Of course not, so why expect me to. I need stress councelling as a result. The litter is a bugger to get out from between one's pads.

The perils of pursuit

2007-08-12T21:06:00.000+01:00

An interesting story from the BBC news website.

A police officer has been found not guilty of setting his dog on a suspect after a high-speed car chase.

Pc Deano Walker, of West Midlands Police, denied charges of assault, dangerous driving and perverting the course of justice.

A jury at Stafford Crown Court cleared him of setting his dog on the man and perverting the course of justice.

They found him guilty of a charge of careless driving, but cleared him of dangerous driving.

During the three-day trial, the prosecution claimed the alleged incidents took place while police were chasing a suspect in a stolen van.

The prosecution said that at one point the footage, from two patrol cars and a helicopter, showed Pc Walker's car colliding with the van, which they had mistakenly believed was stolen.

Helicopter footage then showed him knocking down the van's passenger, Martin Pearce, and setting his dog on him, the court was told.

But during the trial Pc Walker said he did not believe either he or his dog had been particularly aggressive towards Mr Pearce.

Pc Walker, who was suspended from the police force for 14 months, was given nine points on his driving licence and fined £500.

Outside court, Pc Walker said: "Now I want to get back to work and do the job I'm paid to do as a police officer."

Pc Walker will still face disciplinary action from West Midlands Police after he admitted breaking force rules as he was not authorised to take part in pursuits.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_midlands/6940395.stm

Funny thing death.

2007-08-11T22:21:00.000+01:00

Funny thing death, as some posts from other bloggers have said.

My own death experiences have been rekindled yet again and taken my mind back.

I remember how stupid my old dad used to appear to me and how much rubbish he used to talk. Then I became aware of how much he had suddenly learnt, about all sorts of stuff.

He appeared to have gained an awful lot of knowledge and experience overnight and became almost a pleasure to have a conversation with. How could this have mysteriously happened in such a short space of time. Had he been to nightschool ?

No.

Could it possibly be anything to do with my sudden burst of maturity and life experience, seeing things and people differently ? Probably so. Funny how you get to a certain age and you actually see things, understand stuff and generally become more aware of so much more of what is going on.

I would have loved to have told him, but sadly, it was too late. Lots of things are out there, if we choose to see and understand them. Don't miss the opportunity, you might not get another chance.

Remember life is not a rehearsal. You only get one shot at it. Don't let that chance pass you by.

If Nelson were alive today.

2007-08-09T20:10:00.000+01:00

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on
with it ........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of
being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case...............................kiss me, Hardy."

Polls, not exactly MORI but its a start.

2007-08-07T20:27:00.001+01:00

I have added a poll to my sidebar.

Please feel free to made a selection.

I shall be changing them from time to time
in the interests of finding out exactly
what frontline officers want from their
dog handlers.

If the poll doesn't give the answer of
your choice then please add a comment.

The Organisation

2007-08-06T20:08:00.000+01:00

I have found out that we are now part of an Organisation.

We no longer belong to the Police Force. That is far too old style and outdated.

Police Service is also very last year's fashion. So now its Organisation.

We are also part of a family of something, we belong to a family of Forces
but not to a family of organisations. We also never do stuff by ourselves
anymore. We always have a multi-agency approach to our problems. This apparently makes it better.

We also have things that show how we value our staff as individuals. We have things like 'investing in people' that show how well we treat our staff and value their contributions, no matter how small, towards the aims of the organisation (there is that word again) as part of this multi-agency approach to solving problems.

This 'organisation' does not consist of rather large scary people in black suits sorting out their problems. This caring,sharing,multi-thingy is where the future lies and is all part of the plan to educate the rest of us as to just how good a place the world is now that we are an organisation.

Gone are the days when individual officers are capable of working out what is going on out there in the outside world by using skills they have honed over a number of years. Now the organisation tells them what they should be doing.

There seems to be a large erosion of the word 'trust' relating to how officers used their skills, their noses or just their perserverance to direct their policing efforts towards giving free bed & breakfast to deserving cases.

Now they are told what to do and when to do it and then to submit electronic data into the paperless office of parts of this organisation. This is so that we are able to show we are doing the chosen thing for the benefit of the organisation.

As long as itis for the benefit of the organisation I suppose that makes everything alright ? The only thing I fail to understand is for whose benefit within this organisation does all this happen ?

We also don't seem to have responsibility for things any more. You now have ownership of something. Therefore itis your problem now.

I have removed my sense of humour as it appears that this, too, is inappropriate for the needs of the organisation. I have removed my ability to think for myself as this leads me to make my own decisions and this might not be one of the aims of the organisation. I have taken away my views of how the organisation operates and I now believe and support what the people in their offices and at their meetings decree.

I realise that the multi-duplication of statistical information is not meaningless but is vital to the benefit of the organisation. I am looking at the bigger picture.

Does it all make some form of wierd sense now ?

Perception........its a good word.

2007-08-05T01:29:00.000+01:00

Perception.

Now we are into the school holidays. Great for the teachers but bad for the Police and most neighbourhoods. To add to the weekend drunken madness of people who behave like assholes because they've had too much drink on their nights out for an alleged good time, we have the hoardes of juveniles who seem intent on mirroring their slightly older brethren by getting drunk and behaving like morons. Dozens of calls to add to the drunken bouts of fisticuffs and handbags at ten paces along with all the other drunken dross associated with the weekend revelry.

Every collection of young people seem to be targetted by the curtain twitchers 'taking an interest' in their local universe or those who have their peace disturbed by these groups of yoblets who are developing their taste in anti-social etiquette. Drinking, abusing passers by, damage to fences and walls, graffiti, talking loudly, shouting even louder, swearing, playing loud music, taking drugs, threats and intimidation, riding mopeds with no helmets, the list seems apparently endless.

We can easily draw on extra resources to deal with the influx of calls and deal with the problems as we see them as well as how they are perceived by the public who take the time to ring the jobs in to us.

But can we ? Exactly where are these resources ?

We haven't got any, thats where they are. How reassuring. Both reassuring for the public who call the jobs in and for the frontline officers who have the security of knowing that if it all goes pear shaped their backup will be along, well some time and hopefully soon.

I'm beginning to understand why so many of the older generation refrain from going out at night and prefer the 'safety' of their own homes. Safe from the drunken antics of these idiots, from unnecessary involvement with the old bill if they decide to try to resolve an issue themselves.

At least we are safe in the knowledge we have our targets to fall back on. That makes everything alright.

Now where was I ? Oh yes, perception. I nearly forgot. A good word is perception.
Its all about how you see or understand things.

The word perception comes from the Latin perception-, percepio, , meaning "receiving, collecting, action of taking possession, apprehension with the mind or senses."

de Quervain's tenosynovitis ?

2007-08-03T22:59:00.000+01:00

de Quervain's tenosynovitis ? What's all that about then ?

Well try repetitive strain injury. It could be worth a cool £484,000. Now that is a lot of money and must be the result of an horrific injury. Or so I thought.

I read a post from Rogue Gunner http://rogue-gunner.blogspot.com and wasinitially shocked and then angry. What the bloody hell is happenning when someone in a non-confrontational support role can get an insulting and obscene amount by way of a compo claim and our maimed and injured servicemen & women get only a fraction of the amount. Something dark, unpleasant and nasty is lurking out there and itis a sorry state when claims by employees who face no real danger get this sort of compo payout. Was she depressed ? Send her out to Iraq or Afganistan so she understands the meaning of the word.

An RAF typist who injured her thumb at work is to be paid almost half a million pounds by the Ministry of Defence.
The civilian's award is almost 30 times the amount a serviceman would receive for the same injury.
It is eight times more than a soldier would receive for losing a leg and almost double the amount he could expect if he lost both legs.
The £484,000 payout was condemned by former soldiers, politicians and servicemen's charities who fear it will severely damage morale.
The woman, believed to be in her 20s, developed a repetitive strain injury while typing computer data.
She claimed it left her unable to work and caused her to become depressed, and she started legal action against the MoD.
Tory defence spokesman Liam Fox said: "I think it is indicative of a very weird set of priorities that those who are injured carrying out orders are less well compensated than those who are typing up the orders."
Critics claimed it was an insult to the 2,626 British servicemen who have been injured fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq.
Defence analyst Major Charles Heyman said: "An award like this to a civilian who is never going to be in fear of her life drags down morale.
"It shows where the MoD's priorities lie and those don't appear to be with the soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan.
"The soldiers will be shocked and astounded as they all know people with severe injuries who got nothing like that."
Jerome Church, secretary of the British Limbless Ex-servicemen's Association, said: "It would be laughable if it wasn't so outrageous.
"Hearing about this would certainly upset the soldiers coming back from war zones with serious injuries."
The woman was working as a data input clerk for the RAF when she developed an injury in her right hand.
It was later diagnosed as de Quervain's tenosynovitis - a repetitive strain-type injury in which the tendons at the base of the thumb become inflamed.

The woman claimed her injury left her unable to work and also caused her to become depressed.
She sued the MoD and it was revealed that she was awarded a total of £484,000 in compensation and associated costs.
Legal sources estimated that her total costs for the action would be unlikely to amount to more than £50,000, meaning she would pocket about £434,000.
This dwarfs the sums offered to serving members of the armed forces who could expect a one-off payment of just £16,500 for the same injury.
It is almost double the £285,000 a soldier can expect if he loses two limbs while fighting for his country.
The official tariff of compensation for injuries lists £28,750 for someone blinded in one eye; £57,500 for the loss of a leg and just £8,250 for injuries associated with surviving a gunshot wound.

Cemetary.

2007-08-03T16:20:00.000+01:00

A funny thing happened on the way to the office , sort of thing happened.

I was searching a large cemetary which took over 2 hours to complete.

During my time I regularly saw three blokes walking round carrying shovels.

No matter where I was I saw them walking around apparently lost.

When I had finished searching, I again saw the three and eventually my
curiosity got the better of me so I approached them.

Following a brief chat I found that the three were, in fact, grave diggers
and they had completely lost the plot.

Containment

2007-08-01T18:35:00.000+01:00

A radio, somewhere, suddenly crackles into life, there is an alarm actuation at a building site, security bloke has seen someone climbing over the security fence into the site. Double jeopardy for someone.

Why is it that security fencing is never really that secure ?

Also, why is it that night security staff are always blokes, normally the wrong side of 50 and about 9 stone or are foreigners with barely a word of English ?

Anyway, suddenly my radio crackles into life. I am requested at a confirmed alarm at a building site. The same one as above, funnily enough. Trouble is that I am umpteen miles away and that district has no dog cover. Trouble is that its absolutely hammering down, again. I have to leave the area I'm patrolling because of what our statiticians call a 'developing trend'. Contrary to my perception of the management trust, I am able to work out where stuff is happening.

I make the usual checks,aks the usual questions but still cannot make an accurate informed decision so hit the blues & twos and hit the gas for depths of Upton Chutney or where ever this place is. I check that containment is on and hope that our intruder is still within the site.

After 25 minutes at mach .05 and a bit I arrive. Can't find the unit at the scene, can't find the security guard anywhere. Local unit is at the back containing, its still hammering down. Me and the lad get out, head for the rear of the site. I haven't gone far and I come across the containment. Both are sat in the car sheltering from the elements. Both are dry. Its been raining for at least 4 hours solid. They have driven as far around as they can go to contain said site. Security bloke buggered off ages ago he has another couple of sites to check and we are to ring him if anything is amiss. Suddenly I begin to realise I am the only one who gives a toss. In only a few minutes of being outside I am soaked. I follow the fence and find a hole. I begin to search the site and find several more holes. How on earth anyone saw anyone climbing over is a complete joke. There are multiple ways in and out and I have not included over or under as well. Colditz this is not,soakditz it most certainly is. Itis also mudditz, as the site activity and the rain over the passing of time have turned the site into some form of tank training course. I even ignored the hard hat and trip hazard signs as well.

I carry on searching and then after a further 20 minutes of immersion I finish with no result. There was never likely to be a result. But I did this because thats what we do. We support our colleagues. On this occasion they gratefully receive my specialist support from the dry comfort of their vehicle. Perhaps a few drops got through the three inch gap when we spoke briefly. How the hell can anyone contain anywhere when this is all the resources available anyway ? I suppose I was fortunate that they hadn't been called away to another job.

Then to add insult to injury I find out that there is another addition to the 'developing trend' figures and hot foot it back through the rain to more familiar territory only to find that the local units have completed the search because I was so far away, even though I told them I was winging my way back to them.

They've all gone, resumed to other duties or just to stay dry. I can't stay dry, I can't even get dry. Everything I own is wet. Sometimes you just can't win. Would I change this for another job ?

No bloody chance.

Dog Bites.....ouch.

2007-07-30T00:32:00.000+01:00

The next time you hear someone shouting these words'

"Police Officer with a dog, stop or I'll send the dog "

Exactly what should you do ?

Choose your answer and your subsequent actions carefully.

Is it

Answer A: Ignore them, they're only bullshitting you. Run off.

Answer B: Even if there is a dog I can either outrun it or hide. Run off.

Answer C: I'd better stop as instructed. If there is a Police Dog and it bites me it will hurt and probably land me up at the nearest acident and emergency department.

Answer D: Shout at them "Come on you bastard send you're f+*^"g dog, I can take him and you as well". Don't run off but stay and fight.

See here for the correct answer.

http://coppersblog.blogspot.com/2007/07/get-bite.html

Nice one Mr. Copperfield.

I think I would suggest answer C:

Whoever said History was boring ?

2007-07-29T17:02:00.000+01:00

Some true facts............IN THE 1500'S

The next time washing your hands and complaining because the water temperature isn't just right, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting....

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, 'Dirt poor'. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be 'saved by the bell' or was considered a 'dead ringer.'

Whoever said History was boring ? ? ?

Less paperwork ????

2007-07-28T20:53:00.000+01:00

Crime in England and Wales has remained stable during the past year, according to Home Office figures. Police recorded the first fall in overall violence in eight years, but drug offences and robbery went up. The figures also indicate 24-hour drinking laws have not changed rates of alcohol-fuelled crime, but have merely shifted incidents to the early hours.

The Home Office said it needed to boost public confidence in statistics because 65% believed crime was rising. On publishing the annual figures the Home Office said it needed to rethink how it describes some crimes after an independent report last year warned the public do not understand the statistics, leading to a loss in confidence.

Ministers say they want a debate on what makes a violent crime because some of the offences currently classed as violent do not involve injuries.

They also said crime rates varied so much from area to area that police forces would soon start publishing local monthly crime figures to give the public a better idea of what was happening, they added.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said: "One of the biggest challenges we face is that public perceptions of crime levels remain high. Every community faces its own unique challenges when it comes to crime."

The home secretary said information on local crime would become more accessible.

Announcing a new crime strategy, Ms Smith said from next July everyone would have access to a street-by-street "story of crime" in their area from local police data posted on the internet.

So exactly what does this all mean??

One thing is for sure, contrary to the Governments claim to want to reduce the variety of paperwork we do only one thing is certain. This is going to increase the need for statistical information.

So who, exactly, will be submitting all this extra paperwork ??

Need you ask. It will end up sinking down towards the bottom dwellers.

Meanwhile, police chiefs have been criticised by a committee of MPs who concluded giving police forces extra cash had not helped reduce crime. The Home Affairs select committee found the drop in levels of crime had taken place before the injection of funds began. In real terms, police budgets went up in England and Wales by 40% from £8.5bn in 1996/7 to £12bn in 2006/7 and the number of officers rose by 11%, according to a report by the committee.

But its acting chairman, David Winnick, said: "We know the police have had a major increase in funding over the past decade but it is much more difficult to tell what they have done with it."

Read into that what you may.

visa rules ?

2007-07-28T20:47:00.000+01:00

Visa rules?

United States: Overstay your visa and you are banned from returning for six years.

Britain: Overstay your visa and your MP works hard to prevent you from leaving!

Why is Britain always the soft touch!?!

Got this from Not Proud Of Britain (But Would Like To Be)
http://notproudofbritain.blogspot.com/

3rd world bomb squad

2007-07-27T14:14:00.000+01:00

Border Police.

2007-07-26T10:43:00.000+01:00

So Mr Brown recommends a new Border Police, from multi-agency type of approach. Great news. This will help with immigration and the like, I'm sure. But then again perhaps not.

We know where every untaxed car is in the country, located amongst all the millions of cars there are on the roads withn the UK, allegedly. We are able to clamp and then seize offending cars, as well as prosecute the owners.

We haven't a clue where almost all of the illegal immigrants and other unwelcome visitors or overstayers are. This includes the terrorists, potential terrorists and their misplaced sympathisers, supporters and accomplices.

Perhaps we should get the DVLA in charge of immigration.

One of the better nights.

2007-07-26T00:23:00.000+01:00

I'm driving around an area that has been hit hard with burglaries during the night. The crime analyst shows us that the offences are between 1900 and 0400, thats 7pm and 4am in old money. I have just moved from one series of lanes, alleyways and footpaths towards another. I narrow the times down to changeover and perceived grub times.

My radio crackles into life............"burglary in progress at number 46, occupier away on holiday, neighbour has heard smashing glass from the rear and can hear noises inside"

I stop, quickly, silently as I can despite the pile of deisel shite I'm in, kill the lights and think quietly to myself 'pinch me'. I tell comms where I am and then PR off. Even right down low it makes too much noise. Certainly too much noise for the sharp hearing senses of the intruder.

I look to the side, can't see any numbers of the houses but must be close. Me and matey are out low profiling along the walls, I see a number, its 26, christ I can't believe how close I am. Ten houses away, lucky for me, I am on the right side of the road, even luckier. Get to 46, front gate open, dim light moving inside and shadowy figure moving throught the glazed door. I'm in through the gate, along the side of the house towards the back door, matey begins to whine, he knows something is about to happen. Dogs can sense things like this.

As I get to the back door, which has been pushed closed but not shut, matey boy in sorting through stuff on the kitchen worktop. I decide I can get through the door into the kitchen and his only route out will be through the door into the hallway which is open. I consider waiting until someone is at the front. Bingo, he closes the door to get something out of a cupboard.

Now is the time for my introduction. My boot goes onto the centre rail of the door, which crashes open, matey boy tries to run but his feet seem glued to the spot, several yards seem like half a mile but he is mine. I shout, my mate shouts too, in his own way, suddenly its that look again, the one that I know. My mate is right there, in an instant. The eyes are the windows into the mind and once the realisation is clear that hospital attention is a worse alternative than a cosy small room, a few signatures and free meals I am in control. My mate hates dwelling burglars as much as I do. Compliance is the only choice, exactly. He's on the floor, safe unless he decides to try to escape or decides to have a pop. I tell him what will happen if he doesn't comply. The deterrant is only inches away, and he knows. He's on the floor until the response arrive to search him and his baggage, we've hit the jackpot. Gear from several breaks including from a mate of colleague.

Repeat dwelling burglar, breaches bail on more than one occasion and still gets the luxury of his liberty to allow him to continue to burgle peoples homes. They are not houses they are homes. He has no respect for this, he doesn't care for this, he does what he needs to do to get his sorry ass through the next day after he trades his booty for what is important to him. He has neither conscience nor remorse, they relate not to him. He is driven by other demons that he tries to justify the unjustifiable. Suddenly, to some, he appears to be the victim. Some people feel sadness for him, even sorry for him. The offender is the drug, not the person.

Not so the people who have had him inside their homes, not them, definately not them.

Something is seriously wrong for this to be the case. But later that morning I know I won't sleep well. I'm too excited to sleep. Last night will have been one of the better nights. Another night's pensionable service. This one certainly was.

Constantly, and I mean constantly,

2007-07-24T16:43:00.000+01:00

Well I have heard (again) that the Government wants to reduce bureaucracy, reduce paperwork and get us out onto the streets more. After all, thats what the public want. Thats the way to deter crime and increase public confidence and the feeling of safety. How many times have we heard this before.

The problem is that all these efforts to do this seem to be utter rubbish. As the tide of reducing paperwork ebbs the tide of accountability and measuring paperwork flows. They don't even cancel each other out.

The increase in statistical information is the only boom industry we have, all in the name of micro-managing the distrust the management have in the troops and the efforts to justify how they manage us. There are positive efforts to ensure that this information is submitted daily, weekly or monthly, depending for when the next management meeting is likely to be.

More time than ever is being used to complete and submit these electronically originated numbers so itis easy for the management to collate them and 'see' what we are doing without actually finding out for themselves.

Constantly, and I mean constantly, we are reminded that we are Police Officers but this only seems to apply applies to what Noddy called the 'bottom feeders' within the Force. The blame for this doesn't all rest with the Government, some of it lies with the levels of management who insist that this is the best way forward.

We haven't really looked forward from the audit commission report, some years past,that regarded constables on the beat as a waste of space and not really productive. They believed them to be an inefficient use of resources. This was because so much of what they did was not measurable within the big business context of how things work.

The efforts seem to be to show how well the machine runs, how efficiently itis maintained and managed without the same regards for what the machine actually does.

Mental Health Hotline.

2007-07-23T18:40:00.000+01:00

Mental Health Hotline, this just takes automated call handling to a new level. This is almost as good as the Police automated system.

"Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6.

If you are paranoid we know what you are and what you want, stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive it doesn’t matter which button you press, no-one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic press 696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, hang up - all our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Can you see jesus ?

2007-07-10T23:07:00.000+01:00

Yes, this is a dog's arse. Just answer the question.

What makes 100% ?

2007-07-10T23:02:00.001+01:00

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:- What makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100% ?

Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100% ?

We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H A R D W O R K8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But: A T T I T U D E1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And: B U L L S H I T2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top and take you that extra mile.

Statistics.

2007-07-10T22:34:00.000+01:00

I have been able to get one of them 'counter' things attached to the blog to see whats going on.

I was very surprised indeed to see that yesterday I had 100 hits. Since the counter stats have been working that is over 1300. I have also compiled a top ten for referals with the list as follows.

1. The Gadget blog. (I did not expect any less.)
2. Direct . (whatever that means.)
3. Blogger.
4. Google.
5. T.U.P.C.
6. PoliceCameraPaperwork.
7. Big fella in blue.
8. Officer Dibble.
9. Noddy and Toytown.
10.Area trace no search.

I have also seen that the 'hits' come from all over the country as well as from Australia, Europe and America.

Thanks for your links and all of the comments. This just shows that our words are being read.

I've seen fear.

2007-07-09T22:15:00.000+01:00

Its dark, its a little way before 04.00am, gentle but persistent rain had dusted the ground and in the orange of the street lights, it gives an eerie yellowy type of glow. From my hiding place in a garden I can see all along one road into the trading estate. Along the only other road into the estate I can clearly see a road junction, the only other way out and back to civilisation. I have been there for 30 minutes because my companion started to sniff the air. No I, most definately, had not farted. So there had to be someone about somewhere.

It was then I heard the familiar crash.....tinkle, tinkle of a window going in, somewhere closeby.

I inform comms and ask for some units to come, silent approach, if they are not committed. I make my way quietly out of the garden towards where the crash......tinkle, tinkle was heard. I am walking into the wind and almost immediately my comrade begins to whine which gives me the nod that we are close. Around the first building and I see some pallets leant against a wall underneath a small open window, the jagged outline of the broken glass and the shards of debris on the ground nearby. I creep to a corner position where I've got two sides of the building covered and update comms. I can still clearly see the window. I can now hear banging coming from inside. I ask for a keyholder but we have no detail card for the premises and no alarm activation from the alarm company. Then bingo......one of the units calls up, they have contact details from a burglary there only a week or so before. These are given to comms and only minutes later we hear that the keyholder is on their way.

The keyholder arrives and as we enter leaving the others outside, the audible springs into life. This must have one hell of a delay. Just shows how old some of these really are.

I'm trying to watch my comrade as he searches. He finds an axe, a rather large and uninviting screwdriver, an open briefcase full of keys and the usual misc papers. These are left around in an office close to the point of entry. As we enter a large dark room, at the farthest point, only lit by the orange glow through the windows from outside, itis immediately apparant that my comrade has got the smell of something interesting on his mind. His intention is to locate the source of this interest. His breathing changes, the subtle sniffs change into snorts, his mood and focus increase and the state of arousal heightens as this hunt closes in on the prey. He becomes excited and frantically begins to scratch at a closed door, whining and then breaks into a bark, the type of bark that means just about only one thing. I shout to identify us and offer an opportunity to exit what lies behind the door. Nothing.

I open the door, shout another challenge to who ever lies within and see that the door leads to a tardis of another room larger than I had imagined. Darkness within. I release my comrade and as he heads into the darkness I illuminate with my torch at the same time that I hear a different, intimidating growl and bark that shows me that my comrade has located our prey. In my torchlight the focus is not on me but on my comrade, only feet away from a cowering burglar who suddenly wishes that he had taken up an alternative night time livelyhood. At the moment anything would be better than this. Sometimes the working conditions are not all they are cracked up to be.

I shout at him to do exactly as I say but he appears like a rabbit in the headlights. A rabbit in the headlights of an impressive set of canine dentistry which are waiting for a signal, the signal.

There is genuine fear, genuine compliance, eventually when I speak in the language he understands and a genuine desire to do whatever it takes to leave with all the parts he came in with. Apart from, perhaps, a little DNA that would corroborate this presence. That might be useful. But at the moment, that moment, the elation is ours and ours alone. The eyes of the burglar tell the only story you need to know. Response are elated as he is a target, there is no shortage of volunteers to supply the taxi ride towards incarceration. Even the wet patch on the seat illuminates the misery of the weather. The nights brings the warm glow of a success that motivates everyone and reminds us of exactly why we joined in the first place. To provide this sort of service. Itis the criminals who should be incarcerated, not us incarcerated within beaurocracy and paperwork prisons. As he is being led away we get the call from the alarm company. Confirmed alarm actuation at the premises.

There is little or no fear in being arrested or taken to a cell for hours, days or however long it takes. There is little or no fear in the legal processes that take place. There is little or no fear in the paltry and derisory sentences that burglars receive if and when they are convicted.

But for a short moment, only a brief moment, I can say that I've seen genuine fear.

John Smeaton - quotes.

2007-07-07T18:23:00.000+01:00

Two genuine quotes from Glasgow Airport terrorism witness John Smeaton.

When asked what message he had for the terrorists he said.

"This is Glasgow, we'll just set about you."

When asked how he tried to restrain the terrorist he said.

"Me and other folks were just tryin tae get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him."

There is a lesson there for terrorists.

The politicians say the same, but only in a far longer and politically correct way.

Banjoed.......................I like banjoed. I must try to bring this into conversations.

Well done John. Add me to your pints list.

Einstein, again.

2007-07-07T01:26:00.000+01:00

Some more Einstein quotes.

Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced.............Albert Einstein

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.....................Albert Einstein

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough..............Albert Einstein

And again:
Not everything that can be counted counts.
And not everything that counts can be counted..........Albert Einstein

Anyone else got any other quotes that they like ?

Simple and to the point.

2007-07-07T01:19:00.000+01:00

Thanks to anonymous for this comment on an earlier post.

Simple and to the point.

To paraphrase Einstein :

Not everything that can be counted counts.

And not everything that counts can be counted.

Investing in people,again.

2007-07-05T12:41:00.000+01:00

Investing in People ?

Now what's all that about then ?

An organisation that values all their staff and their abilities they bring to the organisation.

Organisation.............sounds like another 'good' word. Much like 'cascade'.

Back to investing in people.

Sounds like another trendy in-phrase that gets bandied about and is great in practice but is ignored in reality. Reality is where a lot of us of seem to spend our time.

Perhaps you've never been shafted by the management and you think itis a good thing.

Perhaps, then again, you have been shafted and the phrase 'investing in people' leaves a particularly nasty taste in your mouth.

I'll help you search for the mouthwash.

SCUM

2007-07-04T12:25:00.000+01:00

This is a picture of a lady who is a victim of crime. This frail old lady was returning home after collecting her pension when she was subject to being robbed, known fashionably as 'mugging'.

She did nothing to invite or incite this horrible offence apart from being an easy target for someone who I describe as SCUM. As a result this lady is in a hospital, in a coma and fighting for her life. This is because of the actions of SCUM.

This SCUM is likely to be a repeat offender.

This SCUM is also very likely to have a drug habit.

This SCUM has absolutely no conscience at all.

This SCUM does not deserve to breath the oxygen we share nor to walk our earth.

This SCUM deserves to suffer an unfortunate and very painful accident.

This lady is not just a victim. She is a mother, probably a grand-mother and has any number amount of friends and family who are deeply distressed and angry that this SCUM has done this horrible thing.

To the victim and her family I wish hope and recovery. That is the least you deserve.

To the SCUM, you deserve nothing, not even a life. I hope the drugs you will probably buy result in an overdose and there is nothing or no-one around to save you. That too, is the least you deserve.

Convinced ? Not quite.

2007-07-03T18:33:00.000+01:00

I've just had a bit of a chat with someone with several pips on their shoulders covering a couple of matters and raised some concerns over things that we do. I have been semi-reassured over a few issues concerning the increasing need for statistical as well as other sorts of information and the apparently ridiculous things we get set to do, as well as being told how to do them. I found out that during the myriad of meetings the management attend, all sorts of things are brought forward as suggestions which they then have to go away to research. The good ones they try to put meat on the bones, as it were, whilst the bad ones they try to make seem unworkable or appear stupid. The trouble is, not all are raised by the S.M.T with a good deal being brokered by the Chief Officers at the behest of Government, namely faceless nameless burocrats who have no idea of what we do and how we do it.

It appears that this is like me trying to advise someone on open heart surgery, which I know nothing about. I am not remotely qualified and nobody would dream of listening to me, if they are in their right mind.

Most seems to be connected to one budget or another and financial directives drive almost all of what we do.

If it can save money it will work, or we will find a way of making it appear to work. Then we will somehow claim it is more efficient and as a result must be far better than before.

Itis not my performance that will be judged upon this it will be someone else who will have hit a target and probably get a reward of some sort for their effort. If the targets are not hit then who bears the responsibility for the failure ?

Congratulations

2007-07-02T22:49:00.001+01:00

CONGRATULATIONS TO A LL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses containing asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, sugar, put salt in the veg and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from a stream and not from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds or KFC. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit spangles and some straws to blow up frogs with.

We ate sponge cake, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. And with no mobile phone No! one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and made camps in the woods and played in the gutters with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........

WE HAD FRIENDS!!!!!! and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents and no waiting at A&E for the host people from all over the World who can't spell Accident and Emergency to be seen before us.

Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really! We were given pellet guns and Bow and arrows for our 10th birthdays and we did not grow up to be muggers or hold up shops.

We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them and that was after walking in. We kept doorkeys on a piece of string behind the letter box. When the neighbours spoke, yes they actually spoke, they weren't being nosey, just neighbourly.

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet! Football had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bullies always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Sky" and "Blade"

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Thieves have rights too.

2007-07-02T19:04:00.000+01:00

I am amazed at a story from a tabloid newspaper in which it reports that a shopkeeper was fined £250 after he chased and caught 3 thieves after they stole spray paint from his store.

Two of the 3 thieves were given fixed penalty fines of £80 but he was charged with assault and subsequently pleaded guilty, rather than face a possible jail sentence.

A shopworker who assisted in catching the thieves also faces court proceedings.

The court ruled that the shopkeepers claim of self defence, kicking one of the thieves on the ground after he had been assaulted, not sufficient enough reason not to convict him.

Well thanks everso much. That is another member of the public we can trust on for their support in the future and who will also have trust in the system. Oops, I forgot, he is now a criminal.

It appears that thieves have rights and deserve the full protection of the law.

That is really re-assuring to know, especially if you happen to be a victim of crime.

Cascade

2007-06-30T01:25:00.000+01:00

Cascade...........I like the word cascade. Not as nice a word as moist, but a very good word, none the less. Cascade............I like the word. I already said that, thats how much I like it.

It sounds like a word of falling, diluting as it falls, the responsibility falling like a stone, fragmenting into grains of sand as it falls and lands around the feet of some poor sod at the bottom of the heap who is a little fed up of being cascaded upon.

I don't know what the cascader's handbook calls it. It must be important, a sort of "I told you so." title would be appropriate. Its all connected with training, devolving responsibility downwards, in a cascade funilly enough. There itis again. Cascade........I like the word cascade. It only appears during the day,a strange sort of beast. Afraid of the dark, I am led to understand. Its still a nice word though.

Cascade............there, one last time.

Most popular penholder in America

2007-06-29T16:52:00.001+01:00

This is supposed to be the most popular pen holder in America at the moment, apparently.
I wonder why ?

Police & puddles

2007-06-29T16:35:00.000+01:00

I have just seen this, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvdpYgX4f7Q
concerning some of our colleagues and some water, very funny, but not for those concerned.

Remember, out there someone is watching and waiting.

Under Pressure

2007-06-26T12:00:00.000+01:00

The Police Service is under pressure to meet a Home Office target of 7% of officers coming from non-white backgrounds by 2009. Police chiefs have admitted they face a massive task convincing officers of the merits of plans to push job applications from white males to the bottom of the pile.

The Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) had called for a change in the law so that "priority could be given to minority ethnic and female applicants"."Acpo is hoping to educate people within the force, because there is a defensiveness there which comes from not understanding what [affirmative action] is all about,"

The Police Federation, which represents rank-and-file officers, slammed the proposal, saying it went beyond positive action. They said: "These new proposals could be counter-productive. All officers, including black and female officers, want to be recognised for their skills and abilities rather than receiving preferential treatment."

108 applicants were told they had been "randomly de-selected" from the recruitment process by one Force. It later emerged that nearly two-thirds of white men who applied to join the constabulary in the latest recruitment drive were turned down, whereas every ethnic minority candidate was invited for an assessment. The Force said it was obliged by law to bring the ethnic breakdown of its officers into line with that of the community it serves.

Another Force has admitted that his force used "inappropriate" recruitment techniques when excluding white applicants. They admitted that a recruitment scheme which relied on positive discrimination to increase the proportion of women and ethnic minorities in the force was "not appropriate". A man rejected by this Force because he was white has won an undisclosed sum in compensation in an out-of-court settlement. It could mean a massive payout if the other 185 applicants decide to follow suit. It faces a bill of up to £4m if all those rejected on racial grounds come forward. Let's see, what could we get with 4 million?

So remember, if ever you face discipline on the alleged grounds of racism, that phrase positive discrimination. If itis good enough for a Chief Constable not to lose his job, it may be good enough for you. It is racism, after all. But then again, perhaps not.

Vacancies at Car Park Central

2007-06-26T11:44:00.000+01:00

Whilst looking through some papers for the recycling trip I came across an article which reminded me of this, http://whichendbites.blogspot.com/2007/06/what-difference-day-makes.html

It appears that in an Essex town the Police are asking residents if they can have permission to park their cars on empty drives for the day. They were informed that the presence of cars on the drives of their homes may deter potential burglars. This all comes about after a change to the local parking regs which leave no-where to park for free. Cough up £2-60 per day in the pay & display or find a friendly resident with a drive. I would imagine that only the select & privileged few get the benefits of somewhere to park at that particular station, where ever the epping hell it is.

Or, if all else fails, get a job at car-park central.

Tough on crime ?

2007-06-24T18:12:00.000+01:00

After over a week following my computer crashing I have been subject to considerable depression with the constant and regular accounts in the media that show exactly how tough on crime this government really is. Not only do the persistent offenders appear to get next to no meaningful sentences, they also appear about to be released back out onto the streets, back into the community, again to continue to re-offend. To make room for even more offenders. What's more, some of them are to be paid handsomely for the privilege. Trust me on this, it is a real privilege and they seem to constantly abuse this freedom of liberty by making the lives of far too many decent, law-abiding miserable with their thieving antics, namely offending. This Government clearly believe that if they are non-violent then everything is OK. Another sign as to who in this country has the rights.

Beer or make-up ?

2007-06-12T23:43:00.000+01:00

After some darker moments I am in need of a laugh. This cheered me up.

People who live in glass houses.

2007-06-12T23:14:00.000+01:00

I heard a bit of what the outgoing Prime Minister was saying during his reported comments concerning his slating of sections of the media. Feral hordes of reporters ripping the reputations of people to shreds.

The race for the latest updates on every 'hot' story appear to give the impression that reporting the news is fast becoming trial by media with the common excuse of being in the public interest.

We seem to have media by opposition with reporters seeming to always take the other side as though they are playing devil's advocates on almost every story by allowing their questions to take the opposite view.

Mr Blah has a valid point. I do find it a bit hypocritical when his Government appears to use the media when it suits to promote the brand and swing its spin but then come out with the statement he made. People in glass houses and stones come to mind.

At the end of the day there is a balance between reporting the news and printing trash.
Its your money, you have to decide what papers to buy, if you buy any at all. What channel to see, if any.

As for the Government, well X marks the spot every five years or so. But they never change, they promise the world yet seem to deliver little.

I am appalled at how easily we accept shocking and terrifying news and then move on, with little or no concerns to what has happened. Yesterday's news is old news and unless there is something particularly tasty then the stories pass down a quick and sorry road into oblivion all too quickly. Then its the next shocker, and then the next. For how long ?

Another murder, another serious offence against children, another criminal released because of a loophole, another illegally at large person, another person on bail, another, another, another, another this or another that which falls into one long tale of grief and misery. There always seems to be another. Another excuse for not doing something. Another reason that covers your arse. Another person to blame. Its always the same.

Officer down

2007-06-11T17:02:00.000+01:00

Yet another frontline officer has been killed whilst on duty and protecting the public.
Pc Jonathan Henry was responded to an report of an attack on a window cleaner in George Street, Luton. He died at Luton and Dunstable Hospital. Reports state that officers used a baton round and Taser electric stun gun to restrain the knifeman, who has been arrested on suspicion of murder.

My deepest and sincerest wishes go to the family, friends and colleagues of Constable Jonathan Henry.

Arrests over 'dolphin harassment'

2007-06-09T12:07:00.000+01:00

Dave the dolphin is protected by animal welfare legislation as he swims in waters off the Kent coast. Two men are being questioned following their arrest after police received harassment reports against the dolphin.

Insp Gavin Roy said: "They are protected by law and should be treated with respect."

Animal welfare charities have previously expressed concern over swimmers, kayakers and other watercraft users possibly causing distress or alarm to Dave. I wonder if any of them wear hoodies.

The paperchase begins. And there must be detected crimes to be had somewhere.

The same thing happens to old, weak and vulnerable people all over the country, gangs of the hooded hoardes get a lot of their enjoyment out of teasing and intimidating the old, weak and vulnerable. Surely thats harrassment as well ?

As the Inspector so rightly says, "They are protected by law and should be treated with respect."

Stop & Search

2007-06-08T21:14:00.000+01:00

A member of the 4th Battalion Rifles Regiment was shot and killed whilst being part of a stop & search operation north west of Basra, Iraq. This was the 150th British death in Iraq.

We think we got it tough with all that paper to complete when we do stop & search.

Time for a reality check. I'll stick to my forms thank you.

Trust the system.

2007-06-08T20:56:00.000+01:00

Stephen Ayre is a convicted murderer, he murdered his lover in 1985. Like all convicted murderers he was given a life sentence. He was released in 2005. I don't understand why, but he was. Ten months after his release, he abducted and raped a10 year old boy. He was convicted and sentenced to a life sentence again, after admitting the offences. Yet another offender released to offend again. Not a insignificant offence mind you, they don't get much bigger than what he has committed.

Ask yourself an important question.

Why was he released early from the first life sentence ?

The Parole Board and the Probation Service had ordered reviews into his risk assessment and to why he was released early. It ruled that this important information comes under the Data Protection Act and the findings must remain confidential. A parole board spokesman has said that a new system had been set up to ensure data about dangerous offenders was considered.

That's nice to know then.

Not at all another arse covering excercise to protect the rights of someone who has more rights than yet another victim.

Ask yourself another question.

Could this have been avoided ?

You already know what the answer is likely to be, don't you ?

Retire and run a pig farm.

2007-06-07T19:10:00.000+01:00

Interesting letter, this is a copy I have seen, names of farmers have not been included.

Rt Hon David Miliband MPSecretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House,
17 Smith SquareLondon
SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs,

I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals.

I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

+++++ +++++++++++++

THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

2007-06-07T16:07:00.001+01:00

THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Gingerism, the new racism?

2007-06-06T22:38:00.000+01:00

Well if you believe this article it appears to be so.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6725653.stm

Can being ginger really be that bad ?

What about baldism, twitchism or blondism, or is that just plain stupid ?

What a difference a day makes

2007-06-05T13:55:00.000+01:00

Well there I am driving towards the metropolis that is affectionately known as HQ amongst other things. I approach the barrier that allows me into the delightful place and the security guard displays wonderful observations and allows me to enter the inner sanctum with a cheery wave. Now the problems begin. Where the bloody hell do I park by fully marked police vehicle. I am here on official business yet it seems that I am unable to park almost anywhere. I am not fortunate enough to have my own allocated bay, I dare not park on any verge else I incur the wrath of one of the non-police support sharks, I even more dare not park in one of the marked disabled bays, even though all are empty, running the risk of yet more grief. I will only be here for a couple of minutes (now where have I heard that before ?). I drive around the myriad of car parks, through the fields that are now car parks and find one amongst the places left by those who can't park in a marked bay to save their lives. I walk several hundred yards to get to my destination after asking directions and suffering the looks of those who think I represent the smeg end of the gene pool. I recognise several faces and think to myself, 'they were police officers, once.' but then again they still are, somewhere. Complete my task which involves signing, in triplicate, some paperwork to justify someone elses demands and then head back to find my vehicle. I feel uncomfortable, like some form of intruder. Then I'm off, back into reality, exiting the place with a series of cheery waves and luckily no calls during my visit or extended hike to and from my only available place to park.

So there I am driving towards the metroplois that is affectionately known as HQ amongst other things. I approach the barrier that allows me into the delightful place, I have to press a button and discuss the relevance of my visit and whilst explaining the barrier is raised and my entrance allowed into the hallowed grounds. No security staff to allow me access this time. I am here on official business, again, in my fully marked police vehicle, yet it seems that I am able to park almost anywhere. I cleverly decide to by-pass the allocated bays, disabled bays or the verges incase one of the sharks decides to scan the CCTV footage for such serious offences. I drive around the myriad of car parks, through the fields that are now car parks and find any number of spare spaces, in fact almost all of the spaces are empty. I become confused for choice. I stop, look around and take a few deep breaths.

I opt for a place near to the disabled bays, again all empty, not on the verge, enter the inner sanctum, complete my task and bid a fond farewell before driving out.

I have seen almost no-one at all. Nothing to sign, just left for me to collect. Where are all the people, have they gone missing ? Why should there be such a contrast as this is only a matter of days between the two visits. I leave, confused, bemused and a little worried.

Funny how everything returns to normal on Monday morning.

Stand still when you're told.

2007-06-04T16:31:00.000+01:00

Its dark, again, the thieves are out again, targeting cars, the boys & girls are out on foot and there is a dog out there lurking, somewhere secret. In comes the call that a car window has gone in, nearby, and the masses begin the movement to encircle the suspects.

From the secret furtive place the beast moves slowly, surely and quietly towards one part of the territory knowing full well that itis just about the only quick exit back into the lanes & backways of the estate. This seems to be the obvious place but no-one has called up to say they are there, so there we wait. Then comes that call we are all waiting for.........'footchase'...........followed by a series of locations barely discernable inbetween the puffings & pantings, stuff being discarded to assist in the evasion from the Forces of good and then right passed the duo in waiting.

Shout the warning and release the beast because they aint stopping, not even the good guy in pursuit of the thief in the night. Thief in the night, fearing for his own safety decides to take refuge upon the roof of the nearest car, our brave good'un realises that the selective red-mist deafness is suddenly going to get a little painful and has a swift introduction to the world of canine dentistry.

Now that smarts a bit.

One very fortunate thief gets B & B on the Queen, detected crime and property recovered, one of the good guys ends up with a hospital visit.

You might not get one when you want one, they might come from miles away, but they are out there, somewhere, waiting for the chance to do the business for you.

Its not always too wet, too far, too windy or whatever other too this or that you might have heard.

More 'tough on crime' stuff

2007-06-03T22:53:00.000+01:00

Its great when a plan comes together and a gang of ruthless car thieves are brought to book, the cost of the operation to arrest them and subsequent investigation, the process through our fine court system and the strong deterrant sentencing which is sure to make them think seriously before re-offending.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/6710897.stm

Lets see, £4.5 million worth of high quality cars, some of them stolen at knifepoint or a gunpoint during car-jackings, (sounds like robbery to me) although most were stolen in burglaries. More than 190 cars in total. The amount of grief this lot must have caused to the victims is unthinkable. They were described as being "a particularly ruthless organised criminal network." They engaged in excessive violence through robberies or burglaries with no regard for the trauma and anguish caused to their victims.

There's that word again, victims.

They were part of a highly organised gang cloning and then selling high quality cars. They assisted in disposal of the cars and benefitted from selling them, they are as guilty as those who actually stole them. Lets see, £4.5 millions between them, not bad I'd say. I don't know how much we recovered from them, or how much the tax man claimed from them.

So you would imagine that suspended sentence, community service and various terms of imprisonment up to 5 years would be a satisfactory conclusion ?

Its great to know that the system is being tough on crime, we can all sleep a great deal easier now. I imagine the victims are all very satisfied with this result, aren't they ?

Inspired by the big fella in blue

2007-05-31T15:07:00.000+01:00

So its dark, I am cruising quietly and furtively around one of the many trading estates that have sufferred from burglars and petty damagers. I like to do this. Its late as well as dark. Then as I turn a corner I see an glow, I check and again I can confirm, yes its a glow, a glow of a fire. The damagers have returned and set another of the skips alight. We been talking to the beat team who are around during the day. They have visited the units and it seems to be generally accepted. Itis good sense to put the skips inside for the night.

I get closer and see amongst the leaping flames and dark coloured smoke illuminated by the said flames there seems to be a strange form of projection on one side. I continue towards perceived burning skip and as I draw near the transformation in the shape is quite remarkable and at the same time horrifying. The projection turns out to be a leg, other projections appear as parts of arms and up close, real close, there is definately the form of a body, right at the core of the whole thing.

I shout into the radio, there is a definate urgency in my voice, I try to get my poxy little extinguisher out of the 'secure' position it is determined tio remain in. We struggle and I fear I am losing the battle but eventually the grip on the sanctuary of the extinguisher bracket is released and I win this one. The extinguisher, not wanting to make it easy pops off and my vehicle is suddenly full of 'white stuff'. Could this be panic or is everything beginning to get slightly awkward.

I'm out of the vehicle, small metal cannister in hand, move towards to fire. I have remembered to get the vehicle upwind of the smoke. Not by any strategic plan but by luck. That is the way I drove into the estate. If I'd have come the other way I would have surely smelt it well before.

I move in low and fire off the extinguisher at the base of the fire. Bollocks. It doesn't go off. Could it be I have left the contents inside my vehicle ? Squeeze again, this time I am greeted by the sound and feel of this small piece of apparatus that is going to perform a miracle. As the contents squirt I continue to move slightly closer, keeping the spray directed low and in a slight fan type arc and eventually its out, the flames have gone. The smoke is choking and I realise my hands and arms are bloody hot. Hotter than my face anyway.

Then, despite my other emotions, I realise by the condition of what is before me that I was too late. How could this be. I go for the tried and tested measures of locating a pulse etc etc and feel only the heat and listen to a variety of popping, crackling, hissing and get my first whiff of that smell. The kind of smell that you cannot easily explain. No one ever told me about his.

Oh yes, I've smelt death before. From fresh, wet, crumpled and red to old, stale, stiff and musty. But never, ever, quite like this.

I make various checks with comms to ensure that the ambulance and brigade are on their way. I begin to think of all sorts of things connected with death and its companions but only in an effort to distract myself from the real issue.

I try to reassure myself that nothing I could do would have made any difference, what so ever, at all. My mind begins to ask me all sorts of questions. How could anyone in their right mind even consider this ? I look around for something that might shed some light on the matter and answer some of the questions I have.

Then I begin to see the picture. This was not an accident or a crime. The only crime was that this was allowed to happen in the first place.

This could be where 'big fella in blue's' mad lady with the hammer could progress. Needless to say, that blog had inspired and resurrected the memory.

I am knelt on the ground, staring, hoping, my thoughts racing and I begin to look around. I can feel my pulse in my head, in my neck and in my chest, like someone is inside, drumming.

Close by, on the ground, neatly lain out are various personal effects, money all piled up in neat little piles, what remains of the petrol can melted in the heat. Lighters. Remains of those last smoked cigarettes.

Again my mind asks some other questions. How could such a tidy, prepared sort of mind stray from such order to such devastating & catastrophic finality.

The ambulance and brigade turn up, the district Sgt comes to survey the scene, I've got it protected as well as I can until someone else (hopefully) gets to take over that unpleasant chore.

Section Inspector comes to survey so comms can show someone is a responsible position has visited the scene. He thanks me for my help, they are short again and everyone is committed. We are unable to get anyone there to photograph the scene so strike a deal with brigade. They get one of their investigators to do the job for us, I keep my log of events going, just in case and eventually that is it. We can exchange photos later if necessary. The unfortunate remnants of the body are removed, I make my final checks and resume. I need a walk with my companion. To clear my head, my lungs and get my stuff together. I tell him about it, he understands, as he always does on such occasions and then I go off to begin to write about it. But that smell, its still there. At least the drummer has stopped.

I go back to the nick, wash, change my uniform and begin the written part of the task. But that smell, its still there. I see that the hairs have gone from my hands and arms.

Later on, whilst I am writing, I am joined briefly by those that came for a look or have heard and come to offer support. This ranges from genuine to those who cannot bring themselves to be openly sympathetic but resort to the humour that some of us, at times like this, use to cover how we really, and I mean really, feel. But that smell.

I ignore the remarks and continue to write and slowly, but surely, everyone else has pissed off and then I am alone, with my pen, my thoughts, my doubts and that bloody smell.

After several different phone calls with the sector Inspector I am informed that we know who this unfortunate person was and briefly some of the case history. I still have that smell, close and unwelcome. Then, from the corner of my eye I see someone who I hadn't noticed before. Soemone who I had known reasonable well for some years but who seemed to have changed and become temporarily unrecogniseable, camoflaged cleverly with the background in a discreet yet obviously uncomfortable way.

This person approached and spoke, very quietly and softly and thanked me for all I had done.

I was confused. I hadn't done anything, really, nothing that any other frontline officer would not have tried to do if the roles had been reversed.

I must have look confused, or awfully stupid, but couldn't speak. They repeated their thanks again and added that this unfortunate soul was a relation. Then they walked slowly away.

I simply stood there, like some form of crazy fool trying to work it all out. It was not what I had expected. My ability to speak seemed to have gone into stand-by mode.

That smell, it lasted for weeks. In my hair, in my clothes, up my nose and in my memory.

Those few discreet words said in a moment of deep personal despair were all that needed to be said. I felt, at that moment in time, that it was I who should be saying thank you.

Wonders of modern technology

2007-05-30T15:32:00.000+01:00

Its got an ology on the end so it must be good. So goes the developments in radio communications technology we have experienced since our saviour 'airwave' come to pass.

This is not the chewy stuff that clears your sinus blockage in the event of a bit of a sniffle, but that new wonder communications solution that will make our lives safe, secure and part of the communications family. Itis claimed that it does what it says on the tin, so to speak.

Well how come that mine keeps on beeping as the signal is, yet again, lost ? For no obvious reason ? Even when I am completely still ? One second full strength on the signalometer and suddenly down to zilch and that infernal beep beep.

Why are we told that because we are sat down the signal reception is decreased ? Even when sat down on a chair, on the 6th floor.

Why is it that areas are famously bad for reception quality yet itis supposed to almost 100% total coverage ?

Add to this the times that people get through and either transmit or receive quality is awful.

Some times people are either on transmit or receive but not both at the same time, they like to talk about it but they just simply don't listen.

Plus the times people are told to stand-by because there is only a single operator. This definately does not help you know.

Also the times that the excited assistance call is not registered, "last unit please say again" and the learned ear of someone who has existed out on the streets and become atuned to those half heard garbled calls for help comes up with the location and nature of the call. One does learn to recognise the tone of urgency in the voice and respond accordingly.

We are unable to use this modern wonder-technology whilst driving now.

Lets see...........'Can you attend blah blah, immediate response.'

'OK en route' as long as you are stopped, or stop before you answer.

Begin to drive off, pull over. 'Can you geo-base that for me?'
We used to have maps. Geo-base does sound more exiting than a map.

Wait for instructions and drive off we go again.

'zed victor 2 I have an update, description of offenders'

Pull over, stop and call up for an update before continuing.
Now the real poser. Do you sit and wait or take the chance and drive a little closer to the scene ?

'zed victor 2 I have an update, offenders may have a vehicle'

Pull over, stop and acknowledge this fact, ask for details of the vehicle, not on the log yet.

Continue towards the scene.

'zed victor 2, better description of the offenders and no confirmation of a vehicle'

Pull over & stop, ask for or listen to details of offenders, ask any other relevant questions in the hope that the person taking the call has obtained relevant information. Digest info and drive off again.

There is a pattern emerging here, police officers and radios don't mix. Responding to an incident and stopping every time you wish to get an update or pass information is simply not workable yet we have the ass guarding message that says we were told. Are officers going to follow this instruction ? That is what itis, an instruction. Does this assist in any way ? Are you going to stop the car every time to talk on the radio when the essence is swift response. I think not.

But rest assured that the management have told you and if it all goes wrong itis most definately your ass on the line, not theirs, and you will become the shiny example of all that is bad and yet somehow safe in the knowledge that we are all working together.

Drive, stop, chat. Sounds like a new road safety campaign buzz phrase.

How the law works

2007-05-29T18:53:00.000+01:00

Well this time its the turn of the Police to get the devil's advocate treatment.

http://barrybeelzebub.blogspot.com/

We must be doing something wrong somewhere.

Tough on crime

2007-05-29T14:41:00.000+01:00

Someone sent me this and I almost wet my pants.
I don't think its anything to do with age.

Gurka's Rights

2007-05-28T22:26:00.000+01:00

Here is a link from rogue gunner worthy of at least a view.

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/gurkhas-rights/

To read about it go here.

http://rogue-gunner.blogspot.com/

Dog dies left in car for 8 hours.

2007-05-28T21:35:00.000+01:00

Well this is the headline you normally see in the media but I was absolutely horrified to see a report from Halle, Belgium, of a mother who forgot to drop her baby of 5 months off at the nursery on the way to work, went to work, allegedly for 8 hours, then returned to find that her baby had died of dehydration whilst she has gone.

This is not a dog but a 5 month old baby.
She could still have been at home or have employed a childminder or simply remembered that she had her baby in the car with her.

A stress specialist believes that itis not unusual for people to do silly things in a moment of forgetfulness.

What ???? Like leave a window open or something ????

You wouldn't treat a dog like that, would you ?

Just wait until the summer and it really warms up, someone will.

Police plan to cut bureaucracy creates red tape

2007-05-28T01:17:00.000+01:00

I was absolutely amazed to see this article http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/05/20/npolice20.xml about reducing red tape etc etc etc.

Not only do we have to keep all sorts of irrelevant and duplicated stats, reproduced on a myriad of invented forms, almost always by 'electronic' submission so we can be monitored, judged and put into tables, we are constantly told what to do and where to do it to justify the existence of the army of officers taken off the streets or formed into intel cells to duplicate the information between themselves and produce instructions on where to patrol and what to patrol for.

What ever happened to our Policing skills ?

What ever happened to our Policing skills ?????

Yes it needs asking twice because the management appear to think that every front line officer is either incompetent or lazy & workshy.

In my experience, officers have access to the relevant information to allow them to do this without being told.

Why else would thet set up all this effort to identify what we do and how we do it.

In our downtime we can direct our patrols towards identified problems.

What the bloody hell is 'downtime' ? I've never seen it, don't what it looks like or tastes like.

The officers are able to work out where the problems are and will be able to direct their patrols accordingly. Trouble is there are so many things that seem to get in the way (form filling not included at the moment).

Perhaps I'll set up a working group to research it, get a couple of people interested in promotion to research it for me, I will then submit my recommendations taking the credit for those who did the research and create an illusion that this is somehow beneficial for the organisation as it re-directs our efforts towards various targets that are linked to strategic aims within the relevant plan for the next review period. Pick one of the topics like reassuring the public, diversity or other 'key' phrases and before you know it there will a member of the SMT spouting how this revolutionary idea is supporting various things and everything is better. Show that we really do care. Then I will sort out a series of meetings to discuss exactly how we care and other strategic issues that may be relevant or otherwise. Wheel reinvented but in a new and radical way.

I've seen it when beats were changed from beat a, b, & c to beats 1, 2, & 3. Now there is real progress for you. I told you, new and radical and different.

If we take away all of the Police canteens we can use the space created for housing extra officers to deal with all of this. Trouble is that where do all these 'extra' officers come from. For the intel units, for the target squads, for vehicle crime, burglary units, tactical units etc etc etc ?

They all come from front line Police resources that are stretched to the max anyway.

Add all this reduced form filling on computers (if you can get on a computer sometimes) and the daily form we keep to enable us to fill out the monthly sheet, the arrest/property or deployment forms, the daily task sheets, including the negative ones, then wonder why we are spending more and more time off the streets. Look for computer that if free, that works, that has a printer assigned to it, that doesn't crash when you use it, that gets slower and slower the farther away you are from the hub of the world, unusally at HQ.

(Heard an interesting story at a regional PSU recently about ASDA. Anyone know what it means. Didn't want to ask and be seen to be a bit of an idiot, especially as some of the combatants pissed themselves when someone else asked because they never knew either).

More and more of our time is spent on accounting ourselves to the time & motion accountants that appear to set out the stall for what do and how we do it. I'm bloody well fed up with it.

I'm not going to be able to change it but I can have a damn good moan about it.

Too many people want to fit into the mould and to do that they have to play by the rules and not question or offer an iota of dissent else they find the door shut in their face. Too much operational and not enough strategic.

Now I'm off to try to find a spare computer. Just like the guinness, I'm not bitter, really.

The wooden bowl

2007-05-27T12:49:00.000+01:00

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson.
The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step
faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do
something about father," said the son.

"I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl!
When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mum to eat your food in when I grow up."

The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family.

And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life"
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance if you are not too blind to see the signs.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.

But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.!

Christmas past.

2007-05-25T22:03:00.000+01:00

Merry Christmas
Picture the scene. Its 3 days before Christmas. Dave, as I'll call him, their only son has come back on home leave. He's in the Army. He's 18 years old and is looking forward to time with his family after a tour abroad and some beer with his mates.He meets up with his best friend who I will call Steve. They go out for a couple of bevvies, meet up with some more friends and over the night and the talk of foreign places, keep no count of what they drink, why should they ? Steve plans on leaving his motor bike in the pub car-park and walk home with Dave, who will be at his parents nearby.It gets late, too late and somehow the decision is made for the both of them to ride home on the bike. Don't know who made it but too late to change it.

The tree at the roadside, on the bend, never even flinched. The bike ? Well that was left in bits all across the road. Amongst the bits were two dials that held some secrets. They gave the road speed and the engine revs at the time the bike, Dave and Steve met the tree. The people who can work these things out gave about 70 mph. Some of us tried to help them, to help the bendy-toy like bodies and the mess inside the helmets. They still groaned for help but nobody could have helped. Some of us preserved the scene but we were unable to preserve their lives whilst the ambulance crew told us what we already knew. Others busied themselves with directing the passers by out of the way and towards the detours around the scene.

Then someone had to go to visit the homes of these unfortunate lads, just young boys out for a great time. The parents of Dave knew exactly that we brought bad news, even before their doorbell rang. Parents can sense things, read your body language. Just exactly how do you tell someone that their only son was not coming home for christmas ? How on earth do you try to share their dread to try to make it easier for them and easier for yourself.You can't, no training can prepare you for this moment. Are you the parents of Dave ? etc etc etc. You know and they know, but hope that you have made a mistake, that they have not heard you correctly, that this is some sort of a nasty dream. But it is not. Your mouth is dry, you got that funny thing fluttering in your stomach, you try not to stutter or mumble and get your message across clearly, concisely, as humbly and respectfully as possible.

The parents of Steve wondered what trouble he had got himself into this time and couldn't see the signs, too quick defending their son against all comers and thought there had been some form of conspiracy. There had been no conspiracy. Only some terrible, terrible news. Then they were quiet. We leave them to their grief. Here we are necessary trespassers but only for a short time.

Whilst we were left with protecting the scene for a closer examination the following day it dawned on me. At 3 o'clock in early hours of a cold and frosty night a new picture emerged that no-one had seen before. A tyre mark, illuminated by the frost that ran for an awful distance around the bend, that bend, nearer and nearer towards that damned tree. Clear and vivid as though it had been painted onto the road. No-one else had seen it, just me. Closer and closer until it also met the same tree. Again the tree never even flinched. It all came back again, more vivid than before.

People moaned because the road was closed, how inconvenient. But they probably enjoyed their Christmas. I never slept for 3 days, never slept properly for weeks but I did have a Christmas. Like the birth of your child, the laugh of your loved one or the thoughts that make you smile, somethings you never forget, even the darker, helpless moments when you realise just how insignificant you really are. We never found out who was driving or pillion. We only knew that two families would have a miserable Christmas. Lots of friends of the two families would be full of sadness. We just put it down to another life experience that helps us to deal with the next life experience in the hope we make a better job of it next time.

The miracle of fried eggs.

2007-05-25T20:32:00.000+01:00

After the miracle of toilet paper we have one for the lads.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

2007-05-24T00:16:00.000+01:00

The miracle of toilet paper, from a female perspective.

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." he said. Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped and asked, "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toiletpaper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says

"Worked for your butt didn't it?"

Yes, he's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.....

But it seems he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw for rest of his life...... Stupid, Stupid Man.

Getting home.

2007-05-23T23:16:00.000+01:00

Having had another perusal at the gadget blog :

http://inspectorgadget.wordpress.com/2007/05/20/the-mighty-six-ninety-2/

and had another case of total recall I drifted off to another of my life experiences on a dark and otherwise dreary night. Whilst responding to a job and getting flagged down to find a van in a ditch, public franticly not knowing what to do and everso, everso glad to see a blue flashing light heading their way, screeching to an emergency stop in an effort (successfully) to avoid further casualties and then to alight (get out) onto the verge to find said van, in ditch, front end into a tree. Driver still in seat, hysterical wife and then it dawns, I have to make a decison here. Radio for help, get public to ring 999 on their phones, check on welfare of driver, try to keep hysterical wife off my back, ask for assistance to comfort hysterical wife. Then it dawns, all of a sudden like. Driver appears serious, no pulse, no breath, must get him out for C.P.R. Try to get him out, seat belt so tight could not even get to release. Round to the nearside, lift driver to release and then back round to driver door to try to get him out onto verge, get him out and slide down bank into ditch. Depsite pleas no-one helps, all dialling 999 apparently. No Doctor on scene, unlike in the films. Get driver up onto verge and check vitals, begin C.P.R. Request further help comforting wife. Continue for 19 minutes (apparently) before arrival of ambulance. Continue with chest compression apart from when zapped (after advice from the zapper) and after another 20 minutes the sad reality dawned. I failed. We failed, we all failed. Yet somehow it seemed worthy of the effort. Not a long time to try one's best, for the sake of a life. And after that remarkably short time I was bloody knackered, a failure. I failed to protect a life even though I had tried my hardest. The blood and whatever else was all over me just didn't seem to matter. All I could think about was the driver's dinner suit and posh shirt. The ambulance crew just ran scissors up a sleeve, down a leg and right up the middle of his shirt. I hope it wasn't on hire, what ever will they say when they get it back ? Even lost a shoe somewhere in the ditch. Funny what you think of at times like this. I never did get to that other job, but at least I did get home, eventually.

An MP's work is never done.

2007-05-14T19:43:00.000+01:00

Crime in Britain is far worse than we think. Just how do we know that ? Well you don't sit around on your arse talking about it for a start. You get up off your arse and do something about it. Just like MP for Monmouth, David DAVIES has done. He became a Special Constable for the British Transport Police and is committed to work 2, 8 hour shifts a month. He has fitted this in amongst his busy work schedule. The first thing he learnt was that only the criminals appear to have any rights. Forget the idea that the criminal justice system is victim based. It does not appear to be the case. He admits that things are far worse that people realise and that much of the blame can be laid at the door of politicians like him. He recognises that most officers want to be away from desks and out on the streets.

Whatever your views are, fair play to the bloke for getting off his arse and having a look for himself, irrespective of any other motives anyone else thinks he might have. At least he has been out there to see for himself. See the Mail on Sunday, 13th May P62-63 for the full article
by the man himself.

Tough on crime, eh ?

2007-05-14T19:41:00.000+01:00

Crimes by prisoners released early with tags has increases by a massive 400%

http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=454624&in_page_id=1770

http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=454643&in_page_id=1770